Tag Archives: laughter

The Alternative Acknowledgements (humour)

(The below is written firmly with my tongue in my cheek. Well maybe …)!

—

I would like to thank the following for their assistance in completing this book:

My editor, for taking my meagre gains from my literary eforts. (any remaining errors are, needless to say entirely his responsibility, and nothing to do with me squire!).

My partner, Miss Slapdash for her terrible cooking which, being wholly inedible drove me back to my study thereby encouraging me to write.

My publican, Mr Dodgy Geezer for serving what he calls beer, and the various ner-do-wells who frequent the Last Chance Saloon. The activities and conversations of these good people has provided me with literary material for many a year to come.

Finally I would like to extend a special thanks to my lawyer, Mrs Sue ‘Em before they Sue You, for her tireless eforts in fending off the many and various lawsuits which come my way. Her cheque is in the post, honest it is …!

Signed, an author, somewhere

Early Morning Humour

When a young lady who’s name was Lou
Lost her party shoe
A girl called Anne
Lent her a frying pan
Which she wore instead of a shoe.

—

A talented young lady called Rose
Decided a poem to compose.
She wrote it all down
And a jolly old clown
Tattooed it right there on his nose.

—

When a talented young lady called Rose
Decided a poem to compose
A vicar named Night
Smiled with delight
And went in search of his clothes …

There Was A Young Lady Called Fay

There was a young lady called Fay
Who to her fantasies gave way.
She loved chocolate mousse
And had morals quite loose,
So I married her in May …

There was a young lady called Fay
Who to her fantasies gave way.
She loved chocolate mousse
And had morals quite loose
Which turned my hair to grey …

K Morris reading his poem ‘There was a young man from Whitehall’.

Poet Kevin Morris reading his poem ‘There was a young man from Whitehall’

K Morris reading his poem ‘She stood upon her head’.

Poet Kevin Morris reading his poem ‘She stood upon her head’.

 

Butter

The cook does mutter
About the missing butter,
While the dog licks his lips
And eyes up the chips …

—

Yesterday (25 March), I found my guide dog Trigger with his nose in a tub of butter. I had heard a crash in the kitchen earlier. however, on investigating and there appearing to be nothing amiss, I returned to the living room, until the sound of my hungry canine tucking into a tub of butter reached my ears!

A PassionateYoung Man Named Seb

A passionate young man named Seb
Decided to trawl the web.
There he met
A girl called Yvette.
She said “I love you my darling honey.
Please send me some money
So we can be together,
Forever and ever”.

Seb dispatched her funds via Western Union
As he longed for a communion,
Holy or otherwise.
But, to his surprise
He has still not met
His true love, Yvette …

A Few Humorous Poems for the Festive Season

A few humorous poems for you to enjoy over the festive season:
Christmas Dinner – https://newauthoronline.com/2015/12/24/christmas-dinner-humour-not-to-be-taken-seriously/
Shall I compare Thee? – https://newauthoronline.com/2015/12/12/shall-i-compare-thee/
Werner – https://newauthoronline.com/2016/04/12/werner/
Fleecem and Proper – https://newauthoronline.com/tag/fleecem-and-proper/

Fleecem and Proper

Said store owner Fleecem, to his assistant Proper
This metal here, it is but copper
But to the unwary shopper
‘Twill pass for gold
Let us be bold
And fleece ‘Em proper”!

But old Bill
The local copper
Nabbed those two, Fleecem and Proper!

Shady Sadie

There was a young lady called Sadie
With a past more than a little shady.
I said “Let us marry
And no longer tarry”.
She made reply
With a scornful sigh
“I would rather die
Than to your arms fly.
Besides, I long ago did marry
A man named Barry
And I am married still
To your best friend Bill”!