I recently came across The Secret Diary of PorterGirl, (https://portergirl.wordpress.com/), which relates the fictional adventures of Deputy Head Porter. PorterGirl is comfortably ensconced in her position at Old College where she spends her time engaging in various escapades. The blog is humorous and well written. I recommend checking it out.
Kevin
It has been one of those weeks when, as the bard of Avon says, troubles come not in single files but in batttalions! On Monday the “f” key which usually resides comfortably on my laptop suddenly developed a wander lust and in a bold bid for freedom detached itself from it’s fellow keys. The wanderer is now confined in an envelope in my desk drawer which should, I hope curtail any further yen it may develop to head for the open road! I’m typing this using an external USB keyboard which is working well. I will, however investigate the cost of affixing the key back where it belongs, on my laptop!
On the same night that the “f” key made a bold bid for freedom, I became aware of a strange sound in my flat. I couldn’t determine its source. However on entering the living room all became clear. My hungry hound had extracted a packet of sweets from my friend’s bag and was happily munching on them. I did rescue the remainder, however, for some unaccountable reason my friend didn’t seem to be struck by the idea of consuming the leftovers …
On Tuesday my trusty vacuum cleaner joined the heavenly choir and is now singing tunefully (or not) with other dearly departed and much lamented household appliances. The sad demise of my vacuum cleaner necessitated a trip to John Lewis yesterday evening and I am awaiting the arrival of a replacement on Thursday 30 April. I can hardly contain my excitement …! What, I wonder does next week have in store for me?
Yesterday evening my friend, Brian told me about the following sign he had come across in the disabled toilet of a well known coffee chain. It read,
“On pulling the red cord staff will enter the toilet immediately”.
The above conjures up images of a trap door flying open to admit the intrepid rescuers who, with great courage and selflessness parachute in landing in …!
I think, perhaps there should be some form of punctuation in the above mentioned sign!
Can someone please explain why my guide dog Trigger, who is a lab/retriever is adept at getting his blanket out of the dog bed, running around, tail wagging furiously, but leaves the blanket in the middle of the floor for me to pick up or trip over? I was under the impression that retrievers – retrieve? Obviously I have been labouring under a misapprehension on that score! In point of fact Trigger will greet me and my guests with all kinds of fascinating objects ranging from shoes, socks and, of course his beloved blanket. It is merely that my four legged friend point blank refuses to return said objects to where he found them!
I think that there is a case for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association (GDBA) to train our canine helpers to put things back precisely where they found them. In fact lets forget about training guide dogs to assist blind people to cross the road, putting my shoes back in the exact spot where Trigger discovered them is far more important even if that spot was not well chosen, by me in the first place! I shall close now. I’m off to pen a letter to the Guide Dogs setting out my suggestion that they concentrate training on the retrieval and return of objects rather than on piffling matters like getting blind people such as myself from a to b safely. I’m sure they will be receptive to the idea, or maybe not!
“It all got a bit out of hand didn’t it sir?” the sergeant said.
“Yes, I admit it. What with everyone shouting “get him off” and the booing I just couldn’t help myself” the man said.
“But a man in your position should have known better sir. I mean you are not unfamiliar, pardon me for saying so, with people exhibiting this kind of behaviour. You should have controlled yourself. There really is no excuse for what happened this evening is there sir?” the sergeant said.
“But everyone else was doing it. I saw eggs, rotten tomatos and bananas being thrown at the stage”.
“Yes sir. We have examined the CCTV and spoken to witnesses who all confirm that things got out of hand but there is, as I said no excuse for your behaviour is there sir?”
“I just couldn’t help myself. I got carried away” the man replied.
“So you admit shouting, “You don’t think I’m funny. How’s this for a laugh? See who’s laughing now” as you sprayed red paint, using a high pressure spray gun, indiscriminately around the playhouse?”
“Look sergeant. I am only human. A comedian can only take so much!”
I must confess to finding XFM’s Thought For The Day For Satanists rather humorous. It is, I hasten to add a very much tongue in cheek production, not meant to be taken seriously and can, I believe be enjoyed by people of all faiths and none, https://soundcloud.com/the-xfm-breakfast-show/thought-for-the-day-for-3
Is it just me who finds this video a little sinister. Yes I know it is supposed to be funny and it is humorous. I can’t help however feeling a slight sense of unease when I listen to the clip, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXZMZ-XvvzI
I have just returned from spending Christmas on my country estate in Oxfordshire. It was wonderful to see the old place with it’s rolling acres and a tear ran down my cheek as the faithful old butler Soames struggled, bent double under the weight of my luggage but that is, after all what servants are for …
In point of fact I spent a pleasant week with my mum and her partner in the city of my birth, Liverpool. There are, alas no rolling acres, just a small back garden in which my guide dog, Trigger soon made himself at home. On Christmas day we all, as is customary exchanged gifts. Even Trigger and my mum’s black Labrador, Lilley received presents. Not content with his own gift Trigger took it upon himself to eat a box of chocolates which had been left under the Christmas tree as a present for my mum. Not satisfied with the chocolates he enjoyed a tasty desert of … scented candle! Fortunately Trigger suffered no ill effects and he is, as I write sleeping at my feet.
Well I am now back in London and my mum’s dog, Lilley can breathe a sigh of relief as there is no hungry monster lurking in the shadows waiting to deprive her of her dinner!
On the train yesterday I overheard the following conversation between a little girl and her mum.
Little girl, “Can I have a cat for Christmas?”
Mum, “No, you can have turkey like everyone else!”
(Many of the jokes contained in christmas crackers are fairly dire. However a few, such as the above are rather good. This is one which fell out of a Christmas cracker during my work’s Christmas dinner yesterday).
K Morris - Poet 