Tag Archives: jokes

My visit to the doctors

I visited my doctor yesterday. He began with a series of questions regarding my lifestyle:

“Do you smoke?” he asked.
“No” I replied truthfully.

“Do you drink?” he said.
“Yes, I’ll have a large red wine, please” I replied.

An Incident At The Playhouse

“It all got a bit out of hand didn’t it sir?” the sergeant said.

“Yes, I admit it. What with everyone shouting “get him off” and the booing I just couldn’t help myself” the man said.

“But a man in your position should have known better sir. I mean you are not unfamiliar, pardon me for saying so, with people exhibiting this kind of behaviour. You should have controlled yourself. There really is no excuse for what happened this evening is there sir?” the sergeant said.

“But everyone else was doing it. I saw eggs, rotten tomatos and bananas being thrown at the stage”.

“Yes sir. We have examined the CCTV and spoken to witnesses who all confirm that things got out of hand but there is, as I said no excuse for your behaviour is there sir?”

“I just couldn’t help myself. I got carried away” the man replied.

“So you admit shouting, “You don’t think I’m funny. How’s this for a laugh? See who’s laughing now” as you sprayed red paint, using a high pressure spray gun, indiscriminately around the playhouse?”

“Look sergeant. I am only human. A comedian can only take so much!”

Breakup

Jayne felt safe wrapped in Luke’s strong arms. He kissed her tenderly on the lips. His breath smelled of rotten eggs,

“You need new Scents Of The Forest Breath Freshener, clinically proven to banish bad breath in an instant”, Jayne said pulling back in disgust.

Luke looked pained, “Why do you always sound like an advertising hoarding?” he asked his voice sharp with irritation.

“My super dupa Vision Max contact lenses, 2 for the price of 1, send cool messages about a range of inovative and exciting products to my brain and I just can’t help sharing them with the man I love”. Jayne replied.

Luke sniffed the air approvingly, “I love that perfume” he said.

“Perfume for you, why not buy two. I like it too” Jayne said in a sing song voice.

“Jayne I am becoming increasingly concerned about where this relationship is going. My girlfriend sounds more and more like a bad advertising executive who produces slogans which, over time become ever more dire” Luke said a look of sadness clouding his ruggedly handsome features.

“Its never to late, lets go to Relate, the relationship experts for every occasion. They are doing a special introductory offer at the moment, 25 per cent off if we sign up by Monday” Jayne said pointing to an advert which had just popped up on her new top of the range smartphone.

“I’m sorry darling I am afraid that it is to late for Relate” Luke replied fighting back tears.

“But its never too late for Relate. Just kille the hate, only relate” Jayne responded reading the ad which her top of the range contact lenses (did I mention they where 2 for the price of one?) had just beamed onto her retina.

“When we moved in together you where a vivacious, intelligent woman, now you are a mouthpiece for the advertising industry. It’s over Jayne” Luke said his eyes brimming with water.

“Oh the pain. I will go insane. I need Lane, those newly advertised tablets to kill the pain” said Jayne.

Anyone For Bacon?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2724955/Easy-rinder-Motorbike-runs-BACON-grease-smells-frying-rashers.html

 

I fear for my safety should my guide dog, Trigger encounter this bike giving off delicious bacon smells. I would, I suspect end up in hot pursuit of said machine with Trigger’s teeth firmly clamped to the bike’s exhaust. The rider would, I think end up rather like the Pied Piper with a host of dogs of every conceivable variety following hard on Trigger’s paws (I would have said heels but, as dogs don’t possess them I will refrain from doing so)!

Chris Mccausland The UK’s Only Professional Blind Commedian

The August/September issue of RNIB’s Vision Magazine contains an interview with the UK’s only professional blind comedian, Chris Mccausland (http://dl.groovygecko.net/anon.groovy/clients/rnib/podcast/vision-aug-sept-14.mp3). Chris is perhaps best known for advertising Barclays talking ATM machine which is designed to help visually impaired people withdraw cash independently.

As a blind person I can relate to Chris when he says that he doesn’t wish his comedy to centre on his blindness because visual impairment is only a part of his character.

I would be a rich man if I had a penny for every time I had to smile, through gritted teeth at a joke entailing blindness. Don’t get me wrong, many jokes about blindness are funny but when, as a blind person you have heard the one about the blind man who was swinging a guide dog round his head in the supermarket for the hundredth time you just switch off because it is, quite frankly no longer funny!

(Much against my better judgement I will end with the joke refered to above:

A blind man goes into a supermarket and starts to swing his guide dog around by it’s lead.

“What are you doing?” demands the manager.

The blind man replies “I’m just looking around”. Groan, groan!).

Thought For The Day For Satanists (Humour, Not To Be Taken Seriously)!

I must confess to finding XFM’s Thought For The Day For Satanists rather humorous. It is, I hasten to add a very much tongue in cheek production, not meant to be taken seriously and can, I believe be enjoyed by people of all faiths and none, https://soundcloud.com/the-xfm-breakfast-show/thought-for-the-day-for-3