Tag Archives: funny stuff

Can I ask you a daft question?

Being a guide dog owner brings with it many advantages, (the companionship of a wonderful brindle Labrador/retriever and a highly effective mobility tool being 2 of the most obvious).

During my social and working life I am asked many questions regarding how guide dogs work, most of which are perfectly reasonable. I always answer such queries as its important that people understand the vital role played by guide dogs in enhancing the independence of visually impaired people. I am however sometimes flabbergasted by the daft questions put to me.

I have lost count of the number of occasions when a question along the following lines has been asked, “so does your dog go to work with you?”

I recently came across a variant on the above query. An acquaintance, being aware that I was traveling to Liverpool to visit my mum asked, “so does Trigger (my guide dog) go to Liverpool with you?”

I am known for my dry (some would say sarcastic) sense of humour. Consequently I am highly tempted to reply along the following lines, “no, he will stay in London for the 7 days I shall be in Liverpool. Don’t worry I shall leave him enough food and water to cover my absence. I am, however a little concerned that my home might be rather messy on my return …!”.

I do, however bite my sharp tongue and respond that the whole purpose of a guide dog is to act as a mobility tool. Consequently Trigger goes everywhere with me (the UK Equalities Act makes it an offence for a provider of goods or services to discriminate against a person for a reason related to their disability.

As a guide (or other assistance animal) is necessary to the independence of many disabled people, the Act makes it an offence for restaurants and other establishments to refuse to admit a disabled person when accompanied by their working assistance animal).

I shall continue to smile and patiently explain about the role of guide dogs when confronted by silly questions while, all the time furiously biting my sarcastic tongue …

The Hungry Hound

The below poem is dedicated to my guide dog Trigger, and my generous colleagues who, from time to time sacrifice their lunch to a hungry canine.

I am Trigger.
My stomach is bigger
Than you think.
Your lunch will be gone in the blink
Of an Eye.
Then away I fly.
Should you ask “who stole my lunch?” I reply
“Nnot I
But, dear reader, I lie …!..
I have been known to eat plastic.
My reach is elastic.
You think your food Safe?
My friend brace
Yourself for a shock
For I will gobble the lot!
Be it ever so hot!

Secret Santa

Today I attended my work’s Christmas Dinner with my guide dog, Trigger. As part of the festivities those attending participated in a Secret Santa, where gifts are given and received, with the recipient being unaware of the giver’s identity. I opened three presents: a selection of miniature whiskies, a furry squeaky toy and a rawhide chew in the shape of a ring. What is puzzling me is this. The whiskies are obviously for Trigger but what on earth am I to do with a squeaky toy and a rawhide chew? …

Dedication To The Job!

“You look smart. Are you off somewhere nice?”, said the man operating the luggage gate at London Victoria’s mainline station. (Being blind this gentleman has assisted me onto trains on numerous occasions hence his familiarity in speaking to me in this manner).

“No, just work”, I replied.

“But its Sunday Kevin!”, he said with obvious surprise.

Suddenly everything clicked into place. The 4 coach train at my local station when, during the working week the train consists of 8-10 carriages should have screamed, “It’s the weekend you crazy man!”. Likewise the lack of people at the station together with their relative absence on my walk there should have registered with me as signifying that it was a Sunday.

I have never done anything like this before and can only conclude that my desire to be early for the meeting I was due to chair on Monday morning, coupled with the need to prepare for it so occupied me that I neglected to notice the trifling fact it was Sunday rather than Monday! Oh well at least my guide dog Trigger enjoyed an early morning trot albeit on a Sunday!

 

Kevin

And The Logical Place For A Jar Of Coffee is …

As an author, my mind sometimes wanders from the matter in hand and focuses on my writing. Yesterday I was making coffee. Not a difficult job as it merely entailed opening a jar of instant, spooning in coffee, adding milk and pouring boiling water into the mug. Yet I still managed to complicate this simple process.

“Why is there no milk in my coffee?” I asked myself.

On opening the fridge I discovered a jar of instant coffee comfortably ensconced next to the milk. Now I distinctly remember taking the milk out of the fridge. However instead of pouring milk into the mug I had returned it unopened to the fridge together with the jar of instant coffee!

On another occasion so intent was I on contemplating matters of a literary nature that I added both a tea bag and instant coffee to my mug. Now I am a relatively adventurous soul and am always willing to try out new things. I did, however draw the line at coffee mixed with tea!

I would be interested to hear from authors and readers. Am I alone in my odd coffee making habits?! I suspect others fall prey to the distraction of the book they are working on or reading and do bizarre things. Would you care to share what they are?

 

Kevin

Excuse me, Are you In The Queue?

I recently travelled with an acquaintance into London’s Victoria’s mainline station. On arrival I proceeded merrily and with some rapidity towards the ticket barriers.

“Trigger (my guide dog) is pushing in front of the queue” said my acquaintance. Oops!

Being a guide dog Trigger is taught to find a safe way through or around obstacles, including crowds. If my four-legged friend sees a gap, he goes for it with a will. I had no idea Trigger was skirting the queue and everyone queuing was too polite/embarrassed to say anything!

The above incident caused me to ponder on the advantages of being blind (other than the ability to jump queues without being lynched). After some consideration I came up with the below list:

 

  1. Having learned Braille from a young age I am able to read in the dark. This was particularly useful during my time at boarding school as I continued to read after the dormitory lights had been switched off and we children where supposed to be in the land of nod!
  2. Many tourist attractions and places of entertainment offer either a reduced fee or no payment to disabled people. This often extends to a person accompanying the disabled person. The result – I have lots of friends …!
  3. Any items designed for the blind (E.G. Braille books, magazines and talking books) are sent free of charge using articles for the blind labels meaning I save a fortune on postage!
  4. I get to take my wonderful guide dog, Trigger into places which do not permit other dogs to enter. So I can enjoy a nice hot curry while trigger snoozes at my feet or looks up at me appealingly hoping that a scrap of food will fall from my plate!
  5. The screen on my mobile phone recently developed a crack. As I rely on the phone’s talking software this does not bother me in the least although I am, as it happens probably in need of a new phone for reasons unrelated to the device’s broken screen.

I’m off now to queue jump, purely unintentionally you understand …

I Am Now A Fashion Model

I am delighted to announce that I have branched out into pastures new. Not only do I write but, in addition I’ve taken a tentative step into the world of alternative fashion. Should anyone wish to consult me on the best alternative looks please do not hesitate to contact me. I can, I assure you be relied upon to furnish advice in respect of fashion which will have your family, friends and others agog with envy. Well they will be agog anyway!

This morning a colleague remarked that I had on one brown and one black shoe. I am registered blind with limited residual vision so haden’t picked up on this fact until my colleague enlightened me!

I own 2 pairs of work shoes, one black and the other brown. Both have precisely the same pattern on the upper part of the shoe while the soul is also identical which explains my own unique fashion statement! What a relief that I don’t currently have a female in my life or heaven knows what shoes I might (accidentally) have put on this morning …

For tips on fashion please email me at newauthoronline (at) gmail.com – or not as the case may be

 

Kevin

Stop Thief!

Today, as on every working day, I went into my office in central London with my trusty guide dog, Trigger. On opening my emails I was pleased to see, in among the various pieces of work requiring my attention that a colleague had emailed around saying that, in honour of his birthday he had made a lemon drizzle cake and we (lucky people) should help ourselves.

The cake was, I am pleased to report most delicious. Having partaken of the delights of cake I emailed my colleague thanking him for it and saying that, fortunately Trigger haden’t managed to get anywhere near my tasty snack, (Trigger has been known, on occasions to relieve unwary colleagues of their lunches. He is, obviously working for Wait Watchers and performing an invaluable function by preventing my office from over eating, noble beast that he is)!

Scarcely had I pressed send on my e-mail when I heard a commotion – Trigger had helped himself to the remains of a colleague’s slice of cake and, irony of ironies the person in question was none other than the birthday boy. Oops and double oops! Fortunately my colleague was more concerned whether the cake would upset Trigger’s stomach and not at all about the loss of his tasty snack. Oh the joys of taking one’s guide dog into the office. Anyone for cake? I’m sure I had a chocolate one somewhere. Now where could it have gone …