Tag Archives: funny stuff

Shower

There is nothing like an invigorating shower to wake one up in the morning. Mine is an electric one and it’s powerful spray soon has the sleep cleared from my eyes and yours truly raring to go! Yesterday morning however the shower had slowed to a mere trickle meaning that my ablutions took somewhat longer than usual. I had visions of having to pay for a new unit as mine is rather elderly. The hassle of shopping for shower units, finding someone to plumb in the unit etc had me groaning inwardly.

On returning home yesterday evening I reached into the shower, fully clothed to see whether it had, somehow made a miraculous recovery. A powerful jet of water soaked both my shirt and the bathroom carpet. My shower is, I am pleased to report well and truly working! Additionally the soaking of my shirt thoroughly invigorated me after a hard day in my central London office. I would recommend my experience to anyone. After a day slaving away just put your arm inside the shower, (not bothering to disrobe prior to doing so). Don’t bother to check whether the shower is facing outwards (towards you and the bathroom carpet), just turn it on and, hey presto your fatigue will vanish in a veritable waterfall!

 

Yours ever,

A Duck

Notice

Yesterday evening my friend, Brian told me about the following sign he had come across in the disabled toilet of a well known coffee chain. It read,

“On pulling the red cord staff will enter the toilet immediately”.

The above conjures up images of a trap door flying open to admit the intrepid rescuers who, with great courage and selflessness parachute in landing in …!

I think, perhaps there should be some form of punctuation in the above mentioned sign!

Retrievers

Can someone please explain why my guide dog Trigger, who is a lab/retriever is adept at getting his blanket out of the dog bed, running around, tail wagging furiously, but leaves the blanket in the middle of the floor for me to pick up or trip over? I was under the impression that retrievers – retrieve? Obviously I have been labouring under a misapprehension on that score! In point of fact Trigger will greet me and my guests with all kinds of fascinating objects ranging from shoes, socks and, of course his beloved blanket. It is merely that my four legged friend point blank refuses to return said objects to where he found them!

I think that there is a case for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association (GDBA) to train our canine helpers to put things back precisely where they found them. In fact lets forget about training guide dogs to assist blind people to cross the road, putting my shoes back in the exact spot where Trigger discovered them is far more important even if that spot was not well chosen, by me in the first place! I shall close now. I’m off to pen a letter to the Guide Dogs setting out my suggestion that they concentrate training on the retrieval and return of objects rather than on piffling matters like getting blind people such as myself from a to b safely. I’m sure they will be receptive to the idea, or maybe not!

Chinese Whispers

“A Victorian lady has just walked past” my mum remarked as we walked through Liverpool city centre.

“A Victorian lady has just walked past?” I repeated in disbelief.

“No, I said a tall young lady has just walked past. How could a Victorian lady have just walked past?” my mum asked.

“She might have been in fancy dress” I responded.

 

The above exchange reminded me of Chinese Whispers, a game in which the first player says something which is relaid to the next person in the group who then passes it on to another player. The last person in the group is asked what he heard and this is compared with what was originally said. So

“Don’t be late for dinner tonight” becomes “I won’t be late tonight” or something even more bizarre!

 

Prior to the exchange my mum, her partner and I had just visited Liverpool’s historic Central Library the first part of which was constructed in 1860. I can only conjecture that my mind, still being full of the Victorian buildings somehow transformed “tall young lady” into “Victorian lady!” Perhaps I need to have my hearing tested!

 

You can find out more about Liverpool’s Central Library by visiting the following link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liverpool_Central_Library

Breakup

Jayne felt safe wrapped in Luke’s strong arms. He kissed her tenderly on the lips. His breath smelled of rotten eggs,

“You need new Scents Of The Forest Breath Freshener, clinically proven to banish bad breath in an instant”, Jayne said pulling back in disgust.

Luke looked pained, “Why do you always sound like an advertising hoarding?” he asked his voice sharp with irritation.

“My super dupa Vision Max contact lenses, 2 for the price of 1, send cool messages about a range of inovative and exciting products to my brain and I just can’t help sharing them with the man I love”. Jayne replied.

Luke sniffed the air approvingly, “I love that perfume” he said.

“Perfume for you, why not buy two. I like it too” Jayne said in a sing song voice.

“Jayne I am becoming increasingly concerned about where this relationship is going. My girlfriend sounds more and more like a bad advertising executive who produces slogans which, over time become ever more dire” Luke said a look of sadness clouding his ruggedly handsome features.

“Its never to late, lets go to Relate, the relationship experts for every occasion. They are doing a special introductory offer at the moment, 25 per cent off if we sign up by Monday” Jayne said pointing to an advert which had just popped up on her new top of the range smartphone.

“I’m sorry darling I am afraid that it is to late for Relate” Luke replied fighting back tears.

“But its never too late for Relate. Just kille the hate, only relate” Jayne responded reading the ad which her top of the range contact lenses (did I mention they where 2 for the price of one?) had just beamed onto her retina.

“When we moved in together you where a vivacious, intelligent woman, now you are a mouthpiece for the advertising industry. It’s over Jayne” Luke said his eyes brimming with water.

“Oh the pain. I will go insane. I need Lane, those newly advertised tablets to kill the pain” said Jayne.

Anyone For Bacon?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2724955/Easy-rinder-Motorbike-runs-BACON-grease-smells-frying-rashers.html

 

I fear for my safety should my guide dog, Trigger encounter this bike giving off delicious bacon smells. I would, I suspect end up in hot pursuit of said machine with Trigger’s teeth firmly clamped to the bike’s exhaust. The rider would, I think end up rather like the Pied Piper with a host of dogs of every conceivable variety following hard on Trigger’s paws (I would have said heels but, as dogs don’t possess them I will refrain from doing so)!

Chris Mccausland The UK’s Only Professional Blind Commedian

The August/September issue of RNIB’s Vision Magazine contains an interview with the UK’s only professional blind comedian, Chris Mccausland (http://dl.groovygecko.net/anon.groovy/clients/rnib/podcast/vision-aug-sept-14.mp3). Chris is perhaps best known for advertising Barclays talking ATM machine which is designed to help visually impaired people withdraw cash independently.

As a blind person I can relate to Chris when he says that he doesn’t wish his comedy to centre on his blindness because visual impairment is only a part of his character.

I would be a rich man if I had a penny for every time I had to smile, through gritted teeth at a joke entailing blindness. Don’t get me wrong, many jokes about blindness are funny but when, as a blind person you have heard the one about the blind man who was swinging a guide dog round his head in the supermarket for the hundredth time you just switch off because it is, quite frankly no longer funny!

(Much against my better judgement I will end with the joke refered to above:

A blind man goes into a supermarket and starts to swing his guide dog around by it’s lead.

“What are you doing?” demands the manager.

The blind man replies “I’m just looking around”. Groan, groan!).

Thought For The Day For Satanists (Humour, Not To Be Taken Seriously)!

I must confess to finding XFM’s Thought For The Day For Satanists rather humorous. It is, I hasten to add a very much tongue in cheek production, not meant to be taken seriously and can, I believe be enjoyed by people of all faiths and none, https://soundcloud.com/the-xfm-breakfast-show/thought-for-the-day-for-3

Matilda By Hilaire Beloc

I first came across Beloc’s poem while browsing through a book of poetry in the school library. I think that I first read “Matilda” in the Oxford Book Of English Verse, although it may have been another anthology. The endings of Beloc’s characters are often grizly as in the below poem and in Henry King who, it will be remembered expired as a consequence of eating string. Grizly though they undoubtedly are, we smile none the less at Beloc’s verses.

 

 

Matilda told such Dreadful Lies,

It made one Gasp and Stretch one’s Eyes;

Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth,

Had kept a Strict Regard for Truth,

Attempted to believe Matilda:

The effort very nearly killed her,

And would have done so, had not she

Discovered this Infirmity.

For once, towards the Close of Day,

Matilda, growing tired of play,

And finding she was left to alone,

Went tiptoe to the telephone

And summoned the Immediate Aid

Of London’s Nobel Fire-Brigade.

Within an hour the Gallant Band

Were pouring in on every hand,

From Putney, Hackney Downs and Bow,

With Courage high and Hearts a-glow

They galloped, roaring though the Town,

“Matilda’s House is Burning Down”

Inspired by British Cheers and Loud

Proceeding from the Frenzied Crowd,

They ran their ladders through a score

Of windows on the Ball Room Floor;

And took Peculiar Pains to Souse

The Pictures up and down the House,

Until Matilda’s Aunt succeeded

In showing them they were not needed

And even then she had to pay

To get the Men to go away! . . . . .

It happened that a few Weeks later

Here aunt was off to the Theatre

To see that Interesting Play

The Second Mrs. Tanqueray.

She had refused to take her Niece

To hear this Entertaining Piece:

A Deprivation Just and Wise

To Punish her for Telling Lies.

That Night a Fire did break out-

You should have heard Matilda Shout!

You should have heard her Scream and Bawl,

And throw the window up and call

To People passing in the Street-

(The rapidly increasing Heat

Encouraging her to obtain

Their confidence)-but it was all in vain!

For every time She shouted “Fire!”

They only answered “Little Liar!”

And therefore when her Aunt returned,

Matilda, and the House, were burned.

 

Drunk

“Come on big man” the drunk slurred. He attempted to steady himself glaring bailfully at his opponent who looked back, his bloodshot eyes stirring straight into those of the drunkard.

“Come on, think you’re tough. I’ll show you what hard is” the drunk said spittle flying from his lips. The other mimicked the drunkard’s actions further inflaming his addled brain.

“You taking the piss are you, I’ll make you smile on the other side of your ugly mug, you see if I won’t”. The drunkard stepped back and, raising his fist brought it crashing down on the face of his tormenter. The shop window shattered sending shards of glass tinkling down onto the pavement.

“Come back you coward” yelled the drunkard glaring at the spot where his reflection had been.