The man a mermaid caught.
Together they did cavort.
Their love was dearly bought.
It ended up in court
Mermaid
2 Replies
Tag Archives: humour
The Wanderer Returns
I have just returned from the Lake District (Cumbria UK) which explains my lack of posting over the last 4 days. We stayed in a lovely cottage just outside Keswick and spent most of our time walking and, in the evening enjoying the delights of the local hostelries.
I had fun on the first morning. Being first up I took a refreshing shower. Having finished I reached for the door. Being blind I felt around but no obvious way of opening the door could I find. I ran my hands along the rubber seal which holds the 2 halves of the shower door together but could ascertain no way of opening the dratted shower other than employing brute force and given our accommodation was rented this was not a particularly appealing road to go down! Eventually I discovered a knob in the middle of the door which, when pulled released me from my confinement, (on entering the shower I had pulled the doors shut manually so had not noticed the elusive knob)! Anyway no harm was done and the time spent stewing in the shower meant I barely needed to use the bath sheet which I had placed just outside my prison (sorry shower).
While in Cumbria we visited relatives staying on the Lingholm estate, (http://thelingholmestate.co.uk/house). The estate was built in the 1870’s by the architect Alfred Waterhouse and the author Beatrix Potter visited regularly in the last decade of the 19th century.
Prior to enjoying our evening meal I wandered down to the lake (which is fed by Derwent Water). The profound peace of the place was broken only by the gentle lapping of the water and the convivial conversation of my companions and I.
Lingholm is a magical place to visit and I can understand why Beatrix Potter returned for 9 consecutive years.
Cumbria is a wonderful part of the UK and is well worth a visit but beware of the showers …!
The Wolf And The Owl
The wise old owl scowled,
At the lone grey wolf who howled,
As she prowled,
Intent on deeds most foul,
Under the rising moon.
Said the owl, “Must you howl,
In a manner quite so foul?
You cause my head to ache,
Go and jump in yonder lake.
Said the wolf, “Make no mistake,
It is getting late,
The lake is freezing cold,
And I am not so bold”.
Deliberately Bad Writing
Inspired by this article (http://www.walesonline.co.uk/incoming/terrible-writing-leads-top-bulwer-lytton-7568759), about a civil servant who won a literary prize for deliberately bad writing, I thought I would try to produce something designed to make the lover of literature groan. Below is my attempt at deliberately bad writing:
It was freezing. Even the penguins wore fur coats while the polar bears refused to come out of their centrally heated homes. Bethany tripped along in her summer dress, without a care in the world, taking evasive action so as not to catch her 6 inch stilettos in the snowdrifts which had, somehow appeared overnight on the streets of Blackpool.
Pausing Bethany rummaged in the pocket of her skimpy clothing for the key to her front door. Or she would have done so had that garment possessed pockets which, quite naturally it didn’t.
“Blow me down with a feather”, Bethany said taking a closer look at her home, “I don’t remember buying an igloo”!
And The Logical Place For A Jar Of Coffee is …
As an author, my mind sometimes wanders from the matter in hand and focuses on my writing. Yesterday I was making coffee. Not a difficult job as it merely entailed opening a jar of instant, spooning in coffee, adding milk and pouring boiling water into the mug. Yet I still managed to complicate this simple process.
“Why is there no milk in my coffee?” I asked myself.
On opening the fridge I discovered a jar of instant coffee comfortably ensconced next to the milk. Now I distinctly remember taking the milk out of the fridge. However instead of pouring milk into the mug I had returned it unopened to the fridge together with the jar of instant coffee!
On another occasion so intent was I on contemplating matters of a literary nature that I added both a tea bag and instant coffee to my mug. Now I am a relatively adventurous soul and am always willing to try out new things. I did, however draw the line at coffee mixed with tea!
I would be interested to hear from authors and readers. Am I alone in my odd coffee making habits?! I suspect others fall prey to the distraction of the book they are working on or reading and do bizarre things. Would you care to share what they are?
Kevin
Of Books And Fruit
I had hoped to receive a further stock of my book, “Dalliance; A Collection Of Poetry And Prose” on Friday 19 June. However on telephoning Berforts (the publisher of the print edition) on Thursday 18 June I learned that the little elves who print books are all on strike. Well, to be honest it is a little more prosaic than that. The machine which prints the books has broken down and “Dalliance” will now be printed and shipped in week commencing 22 June.
On Monday I am scheduled to break the camera as my photograph is being taken to accompany the author interview a colleague conducted with me on Monday 15 June. The interview appeared here on 16 June and will be published on my employer’s website in the next couple of weeks. I had hoped to have a copy of “Dalliance” to hold up for the camera, however I have no copies, meaning the picture will be dallianceless (well if Shakespeare can make up words so can I)!
On Thursday evening I popped into my local supermarket and purchased a substancial quantity of oranges and apples. I had just reached home when a dull thudding sound reached my ears. “how odd” I said to myself “perhaps I have kicked a large stone”. I bent down to investigate only for several thudding sounds to follow on from one another in quick succession. Putting my hand to the thin plastic bag provided by the supermarket I discovered the cause of the problem – a hole had developed allowing my fruit to cascade with gay abandon all over the car park of the flats in which I live! I did briefly contemplate letting my trusty lab/retriever guide dog Trigger loose in the hope he would follow his retriever instincts and bring the fruit back to his master. I quickly dismissed the idea as Trigger is fond of apples and while I’m sure he would have retrieved them the fruit would have been conveyed to his rapacious stomach rather than my eager grasp. All ended happily as a neighbour kindly retrieved my apples and oranges. The moral of the story is to never trust to those flimsy plastic bags provided free by supermarkets but to bring one’s own carrier or invest in a “bag for life” which many stores now offer.
I wish you all a very fruitful weekend!
(for my author interview please visit http://newauthoronline.com/2015/06/16/interview-with-author-k-morris/).
3 Quotes Challenge Day 2
Many thanks to masgautsen of The Thoughts and Life of Me for nominating me to participate in the 3 Quotes Challenge, (http://thethoughtsandlifeofme.com/2015/06/14/3-quotes-challenge-1st-day/).
There are three simple rules:
- Post 3 of your favourite quotes each per day for 3 recurrent days. The quotes can be of any other people or it may come straight from your own heart.
- Nominate 3 bloggers with each post to challenge them.
- Don’t forget to utter a thankful word to the person who nominated you
Now for my second quote which was said about one K Morris about himself:
“I am not a clubbable man, though many have wished to club me”.
My nominees who are, of course under no obligation whatsoever to accept. We all have busy lives so I won’t be offended if you don’t participate.
Anju (https://cupitonians.wordpress.com/).
Tess (https://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/).
Waternymph88 (https://scarstearsandtrainingbras.wordpress.com/author/waternymph88/).
Kevin
Fly
Fly, you are one of god’s creatures tis true, but must you plague me the whole day through? Must you make that buzzing sound? That infernal noise doth my thoughts drown! Take my advice and go away, before I reach for the fly spray!
Dozing
Dozing at my computer, pondering on what to write. Oh for a dreamless, refreshing sleep tonight!
Is There Anybody There?
Me, answering my mobile, “Hello”.
Automated female voice, “Our records indicate you may have been involved in a non fatal accident in the last 12 months”.
Now what would be the point of calling someone who had been involved in a fatal accident? Surely a psychic rather than mundane telephony would be in order when contacting a person who had shuffled off this mortal coil? I wonder whether the people behind this annoying cold calling operation are aware of the idiocy of the above automated announcement? I somehow doubt that those running the company in question are going to set the commercial world alight with their intellect …
Kevin
K Morris - Poet 