I swallowed my pride
and ordered a mail order bride.
She arrived posthaste at my place.
She was cross but pretty
Having travelled from a foreign city
In a cardboard box.
The mailman was shocked
When she knocked
To obtain release.
He called the police
Who attended our wedding feast!
“You look smart. Are you off somewhere nice?”, said the man operating the luggage gate at London Victoria’s mainline station. (Being blind this gentleman has assisted me onto trains on numerous occasions hence his familiarity in speaking to me in this manner).
“No, just work”, I replied.
“But its Sunday Kevin!”, he said with obvious surprise.
Suddenly everything clicked into place. The 4 coach train at my local station when, during the working week the train consists of 8-10 carriages should have screamed, “It’s the weekend you crazy man!”. Likewise the lack of people at the station together with their relative absence on my walk there should have registered with me as signifying that it was a Sunday.
I have never done anything like this before and can only conclude that my desire to be early for the meeting I was due to chair on Monday morning, coupled with the need to prepare for it so occupied me that I neglected to notice the trifling fact it was Sunday rather than Monday! Oh well at least my guide dog Trigger enjoyed an early morning trot albeit on a Sunday!
Kevin
While swimming in a moat,
A goat ate my coat.
I was annoyed for awhile
But relieved it wasn’t a crocodile!
Me reading my poem ‘The Gentleman Suitor to his Beloved’
A fox he went a-hunting, a-hunting with a bear,
They tracked a huntsman down, they tracked him to his lair.
Said the huntsman to the animals, “Two against one simply isn’t fair. Give a man a sporting chance to escape from his lair”.
Said those two to the huntsman, “Sir we have no gun. Come out, we’ll give you a sporting chance, lets all have some fun”.
Through an open window the huntsman tried to run.
The animals followed in hot pursuit, then came the fun.
Prior to getting my first guide dog more years ago than I care to remember, I used a long white cane as a mobility aid and to prevent accidents. I still possess a cane, however I now rarely use it preferring the services of my trusty steed (sorry guide dog Trigger). The below post by a visually impaired lady about her white cane is extremely funny and resonates with me, http://doublevisionblog.com/2015/07/26/white-cane-in-hand-a-parody-of-green-eggs-and-ham/.
Kevin
Oh Microsoft I love you.
I love the way you say in tones sweet
“document 1. Microsoft Word is not responding”.
I relish the opportunity you furnish for me to drink my tea while you hang with such grace and poise.
For the chance to eat my cereal while you continue to stick obstinately I give thanks.
I was in need of a shower so thanks, once more for affording me the opportunity to wash and dress as you continue to hang.
Thank you dear Microsoft for, finally allowing me to complete my poem which runs to an entire 4 lines.
Yours ever so gratefully,
A Humble Computer User.
(The above was written in response to the difficulties experienced while writing my poem, “Epitaph On A Poet” which appeared on this blog earlier today).
An angel dressed in white
appeared to him at night.
filled the dark hours with delight
then came the morning light
she vanished in a trice
Venus in furs,
The populace stirs.
“How can a chap so plain,
One lacking a brain,
And so incredibly vane,
A goddess obtain?”
The people declaim.
The reprobate sighs,
“Tis money that buys,
The look of love in her eyes”.
A Gentleman Suitor To His Beloved
—
“My darling, let us sit down upon the grass.
Though the firmament fall, my love for thee tis sure to last.
Other men may betray, but my heart is steadfast.
Let us be quick my sweet, for I must dash”.
—
The Lady’s Response To Her Suitor
—
“Sweetheart, the ground is wet and cold,
To recline upon it would quite ruin my clothes.
The heavens show no sign of falling,
Besides, I hear mama calling”.
K Morris - Poet 