Today I attended my work’s Christmas Dinner with my guide dog, Trigger. As part of the festivities those attending participated in a Secret Santa, where gifts are given and received, with the recipient being unaware of the giver’s identity. I opened three presents: a selection of miniature whiskies, a furry squeaky toy and a rawhide chew in the shape of a ring. What is puzzling me is this. The whiskies are obviously for Trigger but what on earth am I to do with a squeaky toy and a rawhide chew? …
Tag Archives: humour
Shall I Compare Thee?
Shall I compare thee to a prickly pear?
Thou art more fair
Than the wild rose
That in thorny profusion grows.
There the bee goes
Then stings my nose
Couple
Must the writer forever analyse?
What is that look in her eye?
I wonder whether
They will stay together?
No hurry
Over their curry.
They flirt.
Will he get desert?
The Bad Poet (Humour)
He tried to make his verse rhyme
But it became worser and worser.
‘Twas perverse
To see
Dog rhyme with tree.
He cudgelled his brains to produce poetry fine
And was convinced beer rhymes with wine.
Inspiration from the great poets he took
And was certain Emily Dickinson
Was Brontae’s sister
And Heathcliff could not resist her.
Finally from the top of Wuthering Heights
He jumped
Hitting the moors with a plop
But his bad poems
Just would not halt.
It was his very great fault
He did not decease
And leave his readers in tranquillity!
Secret Diary Of PorterGirl – The Making Of The Book Trailer
Secret Diary Of PorterGirl – The Making Of The Book Trailer
Many thanks to Lucy of Secret Diary Of Porter Girl for her wonderful guest post. Please do check out Lucy’s blog and her book.
Kevin
Since when did book trailers become a thing? I had not come across them until the release date of my book, Secret Diary Of PorterGirl, loomed ever nearer and people started making mutterings about one. I had previously dipped my toe into the world of moving pictures by making short sketches for the blog with my friend, actor Paul Butterworth. It wasn’t a process I particularly enjoyed, if I’m honest – especially if I was required to be on camera at any time.
But needs must and I gathered together my most trusted and experienced colleagues to scratch our heads about coming up with something suitable. We have previously made numerous music videos and the like, but this was unfamiliar territory. I would be surprised if some of the team had even read a book, you know. However, surrounding myself with the geniuses behind the shadowy and enigmatic Cambridge Underground Orchestra surely had to produce some kind of result. At the very least, the music would be epic.
I am no actress and in truth I would be more comfortable amidst a pit of rancid vipers than I am in front of a camera. But there seemed no avoiding it. The solution? To ensure I had as little screen time as I could get away with and leave all the heavy lifting to the man we know and love as Head Porter, Paul Butterworth. The added bonus was that his son Josh is a film student at Manchester Met Film School and could easily be bullied and bribed into helping us out. Add to the mix an attention-seeking musician or two, a nine year old lighting director and a bit of cross-dressing and all of a sudden we had a cast and crew.
Finding a set was thankfully no problem at all, thanks to the fabulous Templar Antiquities who are happily situated right across the road from our studio. Stuffed to the rafters with period furniture and fittings (not to mention some cool weapons and armour!) we had no problem recreating scenes from Old College past and present. The only down side to this location (if you can indeed call it a downside) is that the dashing American proprietor has an endless supply of very fine wine on site and this did eventually hamper proceedings somewhat. Particularly towards the end of the shoot, when a break-away group of renegade technical assistants (and maybe the Producer. Ahem) set up a small rave back in the studio. Still, there is a lot to be said for drinking fine wine from pewter goblets.
Paul was, as ever, the consummate professional throughout and lived and breathed the part of Head Porter from the moment he put on his bowler hat. In fact, the scene where he is giving our heroine a stern talking to was actually so very uncomfortable for me – such was the realism – that I vowed there and then to only write ‘nice’ scenes between them in future!
There was no avoiding me taking up the role of Deputy Head Porter, but you can also see me acting my socks off as a monk, along with the beautiful lady-friend of the Antiques Shop Owner. We had to be shot from behind, of course, as we look far too feminine from the front to be mediaeval monks. At least I would hope so. Nevertheless, I still see this as my defining moment on screen.
The now-iconic PorterGirl Theme was performed by the aforementioned Cambridge Underground Orchestra and is soon to be available on iTunes. It adds a certain gravitas to the whole production and I rather fear we would be quite lost without it.
I feel that the trailer is very much in keeping with the PorterGirl genre – a combination of expertise, raw talent and wine resulting in something that is just a little bit different to anything else, yet somehow comfortingly familiar. Now, as it is certain that there will be another book, it is also safe to assume that another book trailer will need to be tackled at some point.
So what have we learned from this endeavour?
Musicians are fun yet woefully inefficient crew members. Keep them away from the wine until the final scene.
Professional acting skills are worth their weight in gold.
We really need to find another Deputy Head Porter…
Links:
Book Trailer https://videos.files.wordpress.com/OXtxuKON/pg-trailor-1280x720_dvd.mp4
https://portergirl.wordpress.com/
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-Diary-PorterGirl-Everyday-Adventures/dp/1504944437
http://www.spotlight.com/3812-7830-2467
https://www.facebook.com/paulbutterworthactor/
http://m.imbd.com/name/nm0125348
@proactorpaul
Penelope’s Complaint
Don’t give me all this stuff about sacking Troy.
You have been shacked up with some girl or boy!
You spin me a line
About men turned into swine.
I am sick of hearing of Circe
And your struggle to be free
Of her.
I’m fed up with affair after affair!
As for that painted nymph
On a plinth
Calypso
No doubt she let you go
When she saw how you guzzle your food
In a manner most rude.
Or was she a prude
And was it your language so crude
That caused her to shout
And throw you out?!
Be off once more to the sea
I want to be free
Of thee!
—
Penelope – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penelope
Circe – http://www.greekmythology.com/Other_Gods/Circe/circe.html
Calypso – http://www.greekmyths-greekmythology.com/calypso-odysseus-greek-myth/
Odysseus – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odysseus
When Trigger Met Fanny
Yesterday I went with my owner, Kevin to catch a train into London Victoria. He says he has to go into something called the office. Personally I can’t see why. I mean its much more fun chasing foxes and other wildlife in the park or taking tasty snacks from the shelves in those big stores they call supermarkets. Its most kind of staff to leave eatables just where my nose can reach them …! Anyway I digress. As I was saying, I was at Gipsy Hill station yesterday when this furry tease (she is called Fanny I understand) sat on the Oystercard reader arching her back at me. I wagged my tail furiously but she wasn’t having any of it and kept well out of my way and, to cap it all my owner told me to behave. Fancy telling me to “behave”, butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth (it would be swallowed so fast it wouldn’t have time to melt)! This feline fiend has even got her own Twitter account (https://twitter.com/thegipsyhillcat). Who ever heard of a mere cat having such a thing. I demand one immediately!
Yours disconsolately
Trigger
Family Life
The hoary
old Tory
finds glory
in the upper house.
his socialist spouse
drinks champagne
and cudgels her brains
about the renationalisation of trains.
Their Communist girl
Her head in an idealistic whirl
Buys expensive clothes
For she knows
That money on ancient trees grows.
And so the world goes!
A Poet To A Young Maiden And The Girl’s Reply
“Let us pile high the fire my dear.
Come you near
and warm the cockles of your heart.
Let us practice love’s art.
Draw closer and sit upon my knee.
Let us make free
like the amorous swan
for time rolls on
and desire, ‘tis soon gone.
“Sir
My mother warned me to beware
Of poets who pretty verses spin
Lest they lead me into sin.
Good night to you noble sir
I must be off and wash my hair”.
Heaven And Hell
To float on a cloud
As angels sing loud
Hymns
about the redemption of sins
Would, I think
Drive me to drink.
The devil would wink
And invite me to sink
To his abode below.
Should I choose to go
There would be good cheer.
bitter beer
and a warm fire, forever near

