Tag Archives: humour

Lets Hear It For The Excentrics

It was a lovely summer’s evening. The birds sang and I felt the need for a convivial pint in my favourite local. I harnessed up the large brindle wolf (sorry guide dog) and set out in search of a cooling beer.

On the way through the churchyard (the church stands directly opposite my luxurious penthouse, sorry flat), I was accosted by a gentleman sitting in his car

“Excuse me, how do you spell Tudor?”

“Tudor”.

“Oh I always thought it was Tuder with an er”.

“No it’s definitely Tudor”.

I have no idea whether this gentleman was attempting to engage in japery of some kind (if so I fail to see the joke although the incident was bizarre in the extreme). Perhaps he was participating in one of those research projects in which the researcher asks random strangers peculiar questions in order to gauge their reactions. Alternatively was he (how can I put this politely) err, “away with the fairies”, or “a few sandwiches short of a picnic”. On balance I am inclined to the view that he fits into that long and honourable tradition of British excentrics, those men and women who enliven our often humdrum existences with their interesting and often bizarre mode of living. Lets hear it for the excentrics, long may they continue.

Drunk

“Come on big man” the drunk slurred. He attempted to steady himself glaring bailfully at his opponent who looked back, his bloodshot eyes stirring straight into those of the drunkard.

“Come on, think you’re tough. I’ll show you what hard is” the drunk said spittle flying from his lips. The other mimicked the drunkard’s actions further inflaming his addled brain.

“You taking the piss are you, I’ll make you smile on the other side of your ugly mug, you see if I won’t”. The drunkard stepped back and, raising his fist brought it crashing down on the face of his tormenter. The shop window shattered sending shards of glass tinkling down onto the pavement.

“Come back you coward” yelled the drunkard glaring at the spot where his reflection had been.

There’s Non So Blind As Those Who Can Not See

There I was, minding my own business, strolling through the churchyard which lies opposite my flats when a wee small voice intruded into my consciousness,

“Can you see mate?”

I paused my guide dog Trigger waiting patiently at my side,

“Pardon?”

“Can you see?”

With a winning smile I responded,

“Are you stupid?” before continuing on my journey, Trigger leading the way.

What Is That Sound Which So Thrills The Ear?

Several days ago I was browsing Youtube on my iPad when I came across the following squeaky toy sound effect, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9U86c2Zf5og. My guide dog, Trigger is a lover of squeaky toys and has often driven me half mad running up and down my flat excitedly squeaking one of his toys, his tail wagging furiously. Given Trigger’s love of things which go squeak in the night I was interested to see how he would react to the Youtube clip.

On clicking on Youtube, Trigger jumped out of his bed and looked around a puzzled expression (well as puzzled as any canine can look) on his face. He then proceeded to investigate my iPad with his nose but, eventually retired in disgust to his bed wondering why whatever was making that squeaking sound refused to be played with! Trigger is now wise to what is happening and hardly dains to lift his head when that new elusive squeaky toy starts it’s squeaking.

Intruders

Despite the security at my place of work intruders have been detected. Unauthorised visitors have been found wandering the coridors without the requisite credentials on previous occasions. Action has been taken, the authorities called in and the unwelcome guests sent packing. However try as the powers that be might, intruders keep breaking through our security barriers.

Things have gone missing from the filing cabinets and drawers. The unwelcome guests are circumspect being rarely seen. They generally operate in darkness when all good people and true are safely tucked up in their beds. However, on occasions colleagues have caught a glimse of the intruders, a mere flash of movement but none the less a sighting which is logged with the authorities. I think that the time has come to call in the services of that most stern of enforcers, Mr C, for with his powerful spring, sharp teeth and claws he will, surely rid the building of these pesky mice!