Tag Archives: humour

I Am Sailing

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As those of you who follow this blog will know, my name is Kevin. Yesterday I received the following text from a friend who was, at that time on his way to France via cross channel ferry,

“Just leaving Harbour. Where told the captain’s name is Kevin. Should I be worried?”

My friend’s text made me smile as, being blind there is no way in which I could hold down the job of captain. However, giving the matter a little more thought I arrived at the following brilliant solution to how a blind man might captain a ship. My guide dog, Trigger is trained to avoid obstacles so why not teach him the following additional commands:

  1. Bark once for rocks dead ahead.
  2. Bark twice for another vessel dead ahead and
  3. Let out a continuous howl when the boat strikes submerged rocks or an iceberg.

Does anyone have the contact details for shipping companies please? I’m taking time out from my writing to apply for the position of ship’s captain. God save me and anyone else who sails with me!

 

Kevin

Notice

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Yesterday evening my friend, Brian told me about the following sign he had come across in the disabled toilet of a well known coffee chain. It read,

“On pulling the red cord staff will enter the toilet immediately”.

The above conjures up images of a trap door flying open to admit the intrepid rescuers who, with great courage and selflessness parachute in landing in …!

I think, perhaps there should be some form of punctuation in the above mentioned sign!

Like A Bad Penny I Will Be Back

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My mum and her partner will be visiting from tonight until Tuesday 7 October and, of course we will be doing lots of family things together which I am looking forward to! This means that I won’t be blogging (well not quite so much) over the next few days. However don’t break open the champagne just yet. I will be back, like it or not from Tuesday. You have been warned!

The Blog Of A Blind Author And (No) Its Not Me!

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As a visually impaired author (I am registered blind but possess some residual vision enabling me to see outlines of objects) I was interested to come across the blog of a fellow blind writer (http://leapingtigerbooks.wordpress.com/). Apart from information about Thomas’s books, his blog also contains interesting and amusing posts regarding the unique issues faced by blind writers. Thomas’s post regarding the necessity of relying on sighted assistance when checking for formatting errors in manuscripts resonated with me. Please do consider checking out Thomas’s blog.

Snatches Of Conversation

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“I picked up the can, threw it at him and”.

As an author, the above snatch of conversation, overheard by me while on my way into work this morning had me intrigued. I longed to hear the remainder of the incident but the speaker, a teenage girl, rapidly disappeared into the distance, her words lost to me forever. What kind of can was it? What, if anything did it contain? And, most importantly what caused the young woman to throw it in the first place? In an alternative reality the following exchange between me and the speaker took place,

 

Me, “I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I am intrigued. Why did you throw the can? And what was the reaction of the person you threw it at?”

Teenage girl looking at me as though I had just appeared from outer space, “P.. off. What has it got to do with you?”

Me, “I’m an author, I can’t help tuning into people’s conversations. I’m interested as to what motivated you to throw that can. Perhaps there is a story in it somewhere”.

Teenage girl,walking quickly away from me, “Get lost before I call the police”.

 

There is, in the above incident the makings of a story. I would love to hear your thoughts as to how the tale might go. Also I am sure that I can’t be the only writer who can not help but speculate on snatches of overheard conversations.

Retrievers

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Can someone please explain why my guide dog Trigger, who is a lab/retriever is adept at getting his blanket out of the dog bed, running around, tail wagging furiously, but leaves the blanket in the middle of the floor for me to pick up or trip over? I was under the impression that retrievers – retrieve? Obviously I have been labouring under a misapprehension on that score! In point of fact Trigger will greet me and my guests with all kinds of fascinating objects ranging from shoes, socks and, of course his beloved blanket. It is merely that my four legged friend point blank refuses to return said objects to where he found them!

I think that there is a case for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association (GDBA) to train our canine helpers to put things back precisely where they found them. In fact lets forget about training guide dogs to assist blind people to cross the road, putting my shoes back in the exact spot where Trigger discovered them is far more important even if that spot was not well chosen, by me in the first place! I shall close now. I’m off to pen a letter to the Guide Dogs setting out my suggestion that they concentrate training on the retrieval and return of objects rather than on piffling matters like getting blind people such as myself from a to b safely. I’m sure they will be receptive to the idea, or maybe not!

An Incident At The Playhouse

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“It all got a bit out of hand didn’t it sir?” the sergeant said.

“Yes, I admit it. What with everyone shouting “get him off” and the booing I just couldn’t help myself” the man said.

“But a man in your position should have known better sir. I mean you are not unfamiliar, pardon me for saying so, with people exhibiting this kind of behaviour. You should have controlled yourself. There really is no excuse for what happened this evening is there sir?” the sergeant said.

“But everyone else was doing it. I saw eggs, rotten tomatos and bananas being thrown at the stage”.

“Yes sir. We have examined the CCTV and spoken to witnesses who all confirm that things got out of hand but there is, as I said no excuse for your behaviour is there sir?”

“I just couldn’t help myself. I got carried away” the man replied.

“So you admit shouting, “You don’t think I’m funny. How’s this for a laugh? See who’s laughing now” as you sprayed red paint, using a high pressure spray gun, indiscriminately around the playhouse?”

“Look sergeant. I am only human. A comedian can only take so much!”

Chinese Whispers

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“A Victorian lady has just walked past” my mum remarked as we walked through Liverpool city centre.

“A Victorian lady has just walked past?” I repeated in disbelief.

“No, I said a tall young lady has just walked past. How could a Victorian lady have just walked past?” my mum asked.

“She might have been in fancy dress” I responded.

 

The above exchange reminded me of Chinese Whispers, a game in which the first player says something which is relaid to the next person in the group who then passes it on to another player. The last person in the group is asked what he heard and this is compared with what was originally said. So

“Don’t be late for dinner tonight” becomes “I won’t be late tonight” or something even more bizarre!

 

Prior to the exchange my mum, her partner and I had just visited Liverpool’s historic Central Library the first part of which was constructed in 1860. I can only conjecture that my mind, still being full of the Victorian buildings somehow transformed “tall young lady” into “Victorian lady!” Perhaps I need to have my hearing tested!

 

You can find out more about Liverpool’s Central Library by visiting the following link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liverpool_Central_Library

Breakup

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Jayne felt safe wrapped in Luke’s strong arms. He kissed her tenderly on the lips. His breath smelled of rotten eggs,

“You need new Scents Of The Forest Breath Freshener, clinically proven to banish bad breath in an instant”, Jayne said pulling back in disgust.

Luke looked pained, “Why do you always sound like an advertising hoarding?” he asked his voice sharp with irritation.

“My super dupa Vision Max contact lenses, 2 for the price of 1, send cool messages about a range of inovative and exciting products to my brain and I just can’t help sharing them with the man I love”. Jayne replied.

Luke sniffed the air approvingly, “I love that perfume” he said.

“Perfume for you, why not buy two. I like it too” Jayne said in a sing song voice.

“Jayne I am becoming increasingly concerned about where this relationship is going. My girlfriend sounds more and more like a bad advertising executive who produces slogans which, over time become ever more dire” Luke said a look of sadness clouding his ruggedly handsome features.

“Its never to late, lets go to Relate, the relationship experts for every occasion. They are doing a special introductory offer at the moment, 25 per cent off if we sign up by Monday” Jayne said pointing to an advert which had just popped up on her new top of the range smartphone.

“I’m sorry darling I am afraid that it is to late for Relate” Luke replied fighting back tears.

“But its never too late for Relate. Just kille the hate, only relate” Jayne responded reading the ad which her top of the range contact lenses (did I mention they where 2 for the price of one?) had just beamed onto her retina.

“When we moved in together you where a vivacious, intelligent woman, now you are a mouthpiece for the advertising industry. It’s over Jayne” Luke said his eyes brimming with water.

“Oh the pain. I will go insane. I need Lane, those newly advertised tablets to kill the pain” said Jayne.

Anyone For Bacon?

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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2724955/Easy-rinder-Motorbike-runs-BACON-grease-smells-frying-rashers.html

 

I fear for my safety should my guide dog, Trigger encounter this bike giving off delicious bacon smells. I would, I suspect end up in hot pursuit of said machine with Trigger’s teeth firmly clamped to the bike’s exhaust. The rider would, I think end up rather like the Pied Piper with a host of dogs of every conceivable variety following hard on Trigger’s paws (I would have said heels but, as dogs don’t possess them I will refrain from doing so)!