“Doctor Donne’s verses are like the peace of god, they pass all understanding”. – King James I on the poet John Donne.
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Tag Archives: humour
Save, Save and Save Again!
Yesterday I breeched one of the cardinal rules of computing. I had taken the day off from the job which pays the bills (with my boss’s permission of course), With the aim of getting stuck in to some serious writing. Having treated myself to a healthy breakfast consisting of hash browns, bacon, sausages, eggs and beans (with several slices of tost just in case I faded away), I sat down at my laptop and began typing.
I worked merrily away, words populating virtual paper until, oops the machine froze. So intent had I been on my writing that I had neglected to save the document. The laptop, showing no immediate desire to behave itself, I took a deep breath and went to make a cup of tea. Fortunately the computer had, by the time I returned unfrozen allowing me to save my work.
I don’t know what caused the machine to freeze but suspect it may have been connected with Windows Update prompting me to install Microsoft’s latest updates. Whatever the cause I was lucky not to have lost the story I am working on – the lesson I draw is that work should be saved, on a regular basis to avoid hapless computers being thrown against walls by angry authors who, through their own forgetfulness have neglected to save their manuscript. I am pleased to report that my laptop has survived to drive me mad on a future occasion.
Early Morning Call
The below is dedicated to the person who rang me at halfpast 2 this morning from a withheld number.
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Why do you ring me at halfpast two? Tell me, please do.
The sound of my mobile echoing around, dragging me from sleep profound.
I answered the phone, no one there, cursing inwardly I return to my lair.
Whoever you are, whatever you do, refrain from calling me at halfpast two!
Shower
There is nothing like an invigorating shower to wake one up in the morning. Mine is an electric one and it’s powerful spray soon has the sleep cleared from my eyes and yours truly raring to go! Yesterday morning however the shower had slowed to a mere trickle meaning that my ablutions took somewhat longer than usual. I had visions of having to pay for a new unit as mine is rather elderly. The hassle of shopping for shower units, finding someone to plumb in the unit etc had me groaning inwardly.
On returning home yesterday evening I reached into the shower, fully clothed to see whether it had, somehow made a miraculous recovery. A powerful jet of water soaked both my shirt and the bathroom carpet. My shower is, I am pleased to report well and truly working! Additionally the soaking of my shirt thoroughly invigorated me after a hard day in my central London office. I would recommend my experience to anyone. After a day slaving away just put your arm inside the shower, (not bothering to disrobe prior to doing so). Don’t bother to check whether the shower is facing outwards (towards you and the bathroom carpet), just turn it on and, hey presto your fatigue will vanish in a veritable waterfall!
Yours ever,
A Duck
I Am Sailing
As those of you who follow this blog will know, my name is Kevin. Yesterday I received the following text from a friend who was, at that time on his way to France via cross channel ferry,
“Just leaving Harbour. Where told the captain’s name is Kevin. Should I be worried?”
My friend’s text made me smile as, being blind there is no way in which I could hold down the job of captain. However, giving the matter a little more thought I arrived at the following brilliant solution to how a blind man might captain a ship. My guide dog, Trigger is trained to avoid obstacles so why not teach him the following additional commands:
- Bark once for rocks dead ahead.
- Bark twice for another vessel dead ahead and
- Let out a continuous howl when the boat strikes submerged rocks or an iceberg.
Does anyone have the contact details for shipping companies please? I’m taking time out from my writing to apply for the position of ship’s captain. God save me and anyone else who sails with me!
Kevin
Notice
Yesterday evening my friend, Brian told me about the following sign he had come across in the disabled toilet of a well known coffee chain. It read,
“On pulling the red cord staff will enter the toilet immediately”.
The above conjures up images of a trap door flying open to admit the intrepid rescuers who, with great courage and selflessness parachute in landing in …!
I think, perhaps there should be some form of punctuation in the above mentioned sign!
Like A Bad Penny I Will Be Back
My mum and her partner will be visiting from tonight until Tuesday 7 October and, of course we will be doing lots of family things together which I am looking forward to! This means that I won’t be blogging (well not quite so much) over the next few days. However don’t break open the champagne just yet. I will be back, like it or not from Tuesday. You have been warned!
The Blog Of A Blind Author And (No) Its Not Me!
As a visually impaired author (I am registered blind but possess some residual vision enabling me to see outlines of objects) I was interested to come across the blog of a fellow blind writer (http://leapingtigerbooks.wordpress.com/). Apart from information about Thomas’s books, his blog also contains interesting and amusing posts regarding the unique issues faced by blind writers. Thomas’s post regarding the necessity of relying on sighted assistance when checking for formatting errors in manuscripts resonated with me. Please do consider checking out Thomas’s blog.
Snatches Of Conversation
“I picked up the can, threw it at him and”.
As an author, the above snatch of conversation, overheard by me while on my way into work this morning had me intrigued. I longed to hear the remainder of the incident but the speaker, a teenage girl, rapidly disappeared into the distance, her words lost to me forever. What kind of can was it? What, if anything did it contain? And, most importantly what caused the young woman to throw it in the first place? In an alternative reality the following exchange between me and the speaker took place,
Me, “I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I am intrigued. Why did you throw the can? And what was the reaction of the person you threw it at?”
Teenage girl looking at me as though I had just appeared from outer space, “P.. off. What has it got to do with you?”
Me, “I’m an author, I can’t help tuning into people’s conversations. I’m interested as to what motivated you to throw that can. Perhaps there is a story in it somewhere”.
Teenage girl,walking quickly away from me, “Get lost before I call the police”.
There is, in the above incident the makings of a story. I would love to hear your thoughts as to how the tale might go. Also I am sure that I can’t be the only writer who can not help but speculate on snatches of overheard conversations.
Retrievers
Can someone please explain why my guide dog Trigger, who is a lab/retriever is adept at getting his blanket out of the dog bed, running around, tail wagging furiously, but leaves the blanket in the middle of the floor for me to pick up or trip over? I was under the impression that retrievers – retrieve? Obviously I have been labouring under a misapprehension on that score! In point of fact Trigger will greet me and my guests with all kinds of fascinating objects ranging from shoes, socks and, of course his beloved blanket. It is merely that my four legged friend point blank refuses to return said objects to where he found them!
I think that there is a case for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association (GDBA) to train our canine helpers to put things back precisely where they found them. In fact lets forget about training guide dogs to assist blind people to cross the road, putting my shoes back in the exact spot where Trigger discovered them is far more important even if that spot was not well chosen, by me in the first place! I shall close now. I’m off to pen a letter to the Guide Dogs setting out my suggestion that they concentrate training on the retrieval and return of objects rather than on piffling matters like getting blind people such as myself from a to b safely. I’m sure they will be receptive to the idea, or maybe not!
K Morris - Poet 