Tag Archives: humour

An Interview With My Guide Dog Trigger

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Me: “Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed Trigger”.

“Trigger: “I only agreed because you promised me a large marrow bone”.

“Me: “I don’t remember making any such promise!”

Trigger: “No bone, no interview”.

Me: “OK, you win but I’m not happy about this!”

Trigger: “Just get on with it will you. I can see a fox in the garden below. I want to go and play with him”.

Me: “You know foxes don’t appreciate your idea of play”.

Trigger: “All I want to do is play chase the tail. Really I can’t imagine why that silly fox objects to me wanting to catch him by the tail”.

Me: “Well I will explain, its … oh lets forget about it. Whatever I say, the next time you are off the lead you will still chase that poor fox”.

Trigger: “To be honest I’m getting bored with foxes. I’d love to play with one of those squirrel creatures. They really are most unsporting. Whenever I get near one they go and climb a tree. I can’t climb trees”. (Trigger looks sorrowful and his tail droops between his legs).

Me: “You love going into the office with me. Can you tell my readers what you like about my place of work?”

Trigger: “Everyone is so kind. People leave all kinds of tasty morsels within easy reach of a large lab/retriever. All I need to do is put my nose onto the desk and the prize is mine! I especially enjoy a challenge. Some workers put their food in plastic containers. These present a little more of a challenge. I have, however easily mastered the world of tuppaware containers”.

Me: “Is there anything you would like to say to my colleagues?”

Trigger: “Thank you for feeding me but, in future please just leave eatables on the floor it makes things much easier for me!”

Me: “what is your philosophy of life?”

Trigger: “If it’s vaguely edible eat it and, even if its inedible chew it anyway as this can be tremendous fun”.

Me: “Thank you Trigger. I’m off for a slice of chocolate cake. Trigger have you seen my cake? Bad dog, come here …!”

A Clubbable Man

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It was frequently remarked of the honourable Julian Carruthers-Jones that “He was not a clubbable man”. This statement was belied by the presence of a bloody cudgel which lay some little distance from the corpse of the late Carruthers-Jones …

Joy Unbounded Or The Daily London Commute

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Those who have visited London will have experienced the delights of crowded public transport. There is, surely nothing more pleasant than having one’s nostrils tantalised by the sweet scent of one’s fellow commuter’s perspiring bodies on a baking hot summer’s day.

I can also highly recommend the sardine game. This entails packing as many human beings into a tube or mainline train as is humanly possible then adding a few more for good measure. Oh the delights of being clobbered by heavy baggage as one’s fellow passenger’s show their pleasure at visiting this great capital city by swinging their luggage with gay abandon.

Another fun aspect of the daily commute is the manner in which it enables one to make new friends. The train or other mode of transport jolts and one finds a total stranger sitting on one’s lap (that is if you have been fortunate enough to obtain that rarest of comodities, a seat)!

Talking of seats or the lack thereof, I have hit upon a sure fire way of obtaining one when travelling in this great city of London. I proclaim at the top of my voice,

“Half a league, half a league,

Half a league onward,

All in the valley of Death

Rode the six hundred.

“Forward, the Light Brigade!

Charge for the guns!” he said.

Into the valley of Death

Rode the six hundred.”

My fellow commuters are so moved by the power of Tennyson that they rise in unison and vacate the carriage leaving me to my declaiming. They are no doubt deeply touched by the majesty of the poem and rather than show emotion in front of me choose rather to express it elsewhere.

To all of my fellow commuters, happy commuting!

 

Kevin

 

Stop Thief!

7 Replies

Today, as on every working day, I went into my office in central London with my trusty guide dog, Trigger. On opening my emails I was pleased to see, in among the various pieces of work requiring my attention that a colleague had emailed around saying that, in honour of his birthday he had made a lemon drizzle cake and we (lucky people) should help ourselves.

The cake was, I am pleased to report most delicious. Having partaken of the delights of cake I emailed my colleague thanking him for it and saying that, fortunately Trigger haden’t managed to get anywhere near my tasty snack, (Trigger has been known, on occasions to relieve unwary colleagues of their lunches. He is, obviously working for Wait Watchers and performing an invaluable function by preventing my office from over eating, noble beast that he is)!

Scarcely had I pressed send on my e-mail when I heard a commotion – Trigger had helped himself to the remains of a colleague’s slice of cake and, irony of ironies the person in question was none other than the birthday boy. Oops and double oops! Fortunately my colleague was more concerned whether the cake would upset Trigger’s stomach and not at all about the loss of his tasty snack. Oh the joys of taking one’s guide dog into the office. Anyone for cake? I’m sure I had a chocolate one somewhere. Now where could it have gone …

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An Offer I Simply Can Not Afford To Turn Down

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Below is an e-mail from a most noble and worthy gentleman together with my response. The e-mil was, for some inexplicable reason relegated by Google to my spam folder. Riches await me …!

 

Email From Dr Menah

 

“My dear good frend

Compliment of the season, how are you and your family? Hope All is well. I am Dr. Igho Menah, the accountant general in the accounts unit Bank of Africa (BOA-BF) Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. I got your contact from the Burkina Faso chambers of commerce have some fund to claim in my bank Which will be of benefit to both of us.

 

I want you to be an inheritor of the fund, the fund is in a Doormat account and with your bank information and my Documentation certifies you as the inheritor/beneficiary Since I am an insider and working in the same bank, the Transfer will be processed legally and successfully and I will Be coming down to your country for disbursement.

 

The amount of money involved is ($5.6million) which I want you to Claim for further transfer out of the country to your bank Account, all to our financial benefit. This is very great opportunity as it will take a maximum of 7 banking Working days to be concluded.

 

I as an insider will do my duties perfectly well concerning this transaction for security reasons. This is confidential for successful conclusion and hitch-free transaction. Contact me immediately for further details and mutual Relationship and we will decide together on how to disburse The funds and percentage as well, my private email Address :(address deleted by me)

 

I will be waiting to hear from you.

 

Yours truly.
Dr. Igho Menah.”

 

 

 

My Response

“Dear Dr Menah,

thank yu for your kind communication and good wishes in respect of myself and those dear to me. I am touched that a gentleman of such exhaulted position (I refer, of course to your noble personage) should take time away from his busy schedule to contact me, a mere author. I trust that my response kindles in what, I feel sure must be a heart full of the milk of human kindness,feelings of the upmost exhaultation.

I was most interested to read your kind invitation to participate in your scheme for relieving your country’s bank of a significant sum of money. I feel certain that an upright gentleman, a man of probity and, no doubt deeply religious beliefs would not be a party to (or expect me, a humble author) to participate in what some uncharitable individuals, (not myself I hasten to add) might construe as constituting fraudulent conduct. I was, incidentally most interested to read about the “Doormat account”. I have not heard of any such banking instrument and would be most grateful if you could find time in your busy schedule to enlighten me regarding what a “doormat account” consists of?

I will give your offer the consideration which it so richly deserves. You may expect to hear from me, via a message placed in a beer bottle which I shall drop in the great Atlantic in the hope and expectation that my bank account details will reach your good self in a timely fashon.

Are you, by the way a lover of literature.? I feel sure that a man of your stature must be very learned. May I take the liberty of suggesting that you may wish to visit my Amazon author page. You will, I am confident find material to entertain and delight you contained therein.

 

Yours most insincerely

A Humble Author

 

(Note; I did not, in fact respond to Dr Menah’s most generous invitation but, had I done so the above is what I would have penned in response).

Do Not Distract

8 Replies

As a guide dog owner I am very happy for people to make a fuss of my 4 legged friend, Trigger when he is not working. He is a wonderful dog and deserves to be fussed and played with as all work and no play makes Jack (sorry Trigger) a dull boy.

When working however it is imperative that Trigger and other assistance dogs are not disturbed. Distracting a guide dog can lead to me or another guide dog owner becoming intimately acquainted with a lamp post or the back of a number 7 bus, a fate which I am, you may be surprised to learn somewhat anxious to avoid!

The problem which I and other guide dog owners have is that many people see a cuddly dog and their immediate reaction is to call out to the animal or reach out and stroke it. I have lost count of the number of occasions on which I have politely had to request people not to distract Trigger when working due to the obvious dangers which can flow from doing so. Most people understand my explanation. However a minority either lack (for whatever reason) the ability to comprehend or, quite simply don’t care. One gentleman in my locality always greets Trigger when he is working and will often stroke him. I have explained, until I am blue in the face why he should not do this. However he still persists. What is one to do in such a situation, grin and bare it? Perhaps I should dress Trigger up to resemble the Hound of the Baskervilles. Would that act as a deterrent do you think?!

As I said above, I am very happy for Trigger to receive attention when he is not working. I do, however wish that the gentleman in my area would desist from distracting my (working) guide dog.

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