I recently came across The Secret Diary of PorterGirl, (https://portergirl.wordpress.com/), which relates the fictional adventures of Deputy Head Porter. PorterGirl is comfortably ensconced in her position at Old College where she spends her time engaging in various escapades. The blog is humorous and well written. I recommend checking it out.
Kevin
It has been one of those weeks when, as the bard of Avon says, troubles come not in single files but in batttalions! On Monday the “f” key which usually resides comfortably on my laptop suddenly developed a wander lust and in a bold bid for freedom detached itself from it’s fellow keys. The wanderer is now confined in an envelope in my desk drawer which should, I hope curtail any further yen it may develop to head for the open road! I’m typing this using an external USB keyboard which is working well. I will, however investigate the cost of affixing the key back where it belongs, on my laptop!
On the same night that the “f” key made a bold bid for freedom, I became aware of a strange sound in my flat. I couldn’t determine its source. However on entering the living room all became clear. My hungry hound had extracted a packet of sweets from my friend’s bag and was happily munching on them. I did rescue the remainder, however, for some unaccountable reason my friend didn’t seem to be struck by the idea of consuming the leftovers …
On Tuesday my trusty vacuum cleaner joined the heavenly choir and is now singing tunefully (or not) with other dearly departed and much lamented household appliances. The sad demise of my vacuum cleaner necessitated a trip to John Lewis yesterday evening and I am awaiting the arrival of a replacement on Thursday 30 April. I can hardly contain my excitement …! What, I wonder does next week have in store for me?
“Needs must when the devil drives”.
Surely the Prince of Darkness doesn’t drive himself. I mean the undisputed ruler of Hell must have a demon or perhaps a damned soul to chauffeur him around. It stands to reason doesn’t it? On the other hand,maybe Lucifer finds all those flunkies somewhat tedious and this explains why he drives himself.
As for the car, I suspect this must be a real gas guzzler as the Devil, to state the blatantly obvious has no concern for the environment. Hold on a minute though, I have heard a rumour that a number of public relations specialists have the ear of the Prince of Darkness. They are, I understand attempting to persuade him to “go green” and invest in a bicycle thereby enhancing his credibility with the environmental movement. “Sinister green” or “A darker shade of green” have, I believe been mooted as possible slogans to spearhead the campaign.
One final thought, does Lucifer abide by all relevant traffic regulations? Answers please on a postcard to:
The Porter’s Lodge,
Hell’s Gate
Macbeth Towers
Scotland
I recently travelled with an acquaintance into London’s Victoria’s mainline station. On arrival I proceeded merrily and with some rapidity towards the ticket barriers.
“Trigger (my guide dog) is pushing in front of the queue” said my acquaintance. Oops!
Being a guide dog Trigger is taught to find a safe way through or around obstacles, including crowds. If my four-legged friend sees a gap, he goes for it with a will. I had no idea Trigger was skirting the queue and everyone queuing was too polite/embarrassed to say anything!
The above incident caused me to ponder on the advantages of being blind (other than the ability to jump queues without being lynched). After some consideration I came up with the below list:
I’m off now to queue jump, purely unintentionally you understand …
I am delighted to announce that I have branched out into pastures new. Not only do I write but, in addition I’ve taken a tentative step into the world of alternative fashion. Should anyone wish to consult me on the best alternative looks please do not hesitate to contact me. I can, I assure you be relied upon to furnish advice in respect of fashion which will have your family, friends and others agog with envy. Well they will be agog anyway!
This morning a colleague remarked that I had on one brown and one black shoe. I am registered blind with limited residual vision so haden’t picked up on this fact until my colleague enlightened me!
I own 2 pairs of work shoes, one black and the other brown. Both have precisely the same pattern on the upper part of the shoe while the soul is also identical which explains my own unique fashion statement! What a relief that I don’t currently have a female in my life or heaven knows what shoes I might (accidentally) have put on this morning …
For tips on fashion please email me at newauthoronline (at) gmail.com – or not as the case may be
Kevin
There was a girl called Lin, who ate chocolates from a tin. Surely tis no sin to scoff chocolates from a tin?
Me: “Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed Trigger”.
“Trigger: “I only agreed because you promised me a large marrow bone”.
“Me: “I don’t remember making any such promise!”
Trigger: “No bone, no interview”.
Me: “OK, you win but I’m not happy about this!”
Trigger: “Just get on with it will you. I can see a fox in the garden below. I want to go and play with him”.
Me: “You know foxes don’t appreciate your idea of play”.
Trigger: “All I want to do is play chase the tail. Really I can’t imagine why that silly fox objects to me wanting to catch him by the tail”.
Me: “Well I will explain, its … oh lets forget about it. Whatever I say, the next time you are off the lead you will still chase that poor fox”.
Trigger: “To be honest I’m getting bored with foxes. I’d love to play with one of those squirrel creatures. They really are most unsporting. Whenever I get near one they go and climb a tree. I can’t climb trees”. (Trigger looks sorrowful and his tail droops between his legs).
Me: “You love going into the office with me. Can you tell my readers what you like about my place of work?”
Trigger: “Everyone is so kind. People leave all kinds of tasty morsels within easy reach of a large lab/retriever. All I need to do is put my nose onto the desk and the prize is mine! I especially enjoy a challenge. Some workers put their food in plastic containers. These present a little more of a challenge. I have, however easily mastered the world of tuppaware containers”.
Me: “Is there anything you would like to say to my colleagues?”
Trigger: “Thank you for feeding me but, in future please just leave eatables on the floor it makes things much easier for me!”
Me: “what is your philosophy of life?”
Trigger: “If it’s vaguely edible eat it and, even if its inedible chew it anyway as this can be tremendous fun”.
Me: “Thank you Trigger. I’m off for a slice of chocolate cake. Trigger have you seen my cake? Bad dog, come here …!”
Please buy my book
Do Take a look
You can read it on your Nook
Oh do please buy my book!
Reading is great
Early or late
Its never to late
Oh do take a look!
It was frequently remarked of the honourable Julian Carruthers-Jones that “He was not a clubbable man”. This statement was belied by the presence of a bloody cudgel which lay some little distance from the corpse of the late Carruthers-Jones …
Those who have visited London will have experienced the delights of crowded public transport. There is, surely nothing more pleasant than having one’s nostrils tantalised by the sweet scent of one’s fellow commuter’s perspiring bodies on a baking hot summer’s day.
I can also highly recommend the sardine game. This entails packing as many human beings into a tube or mainline train as is humanly possible then adding a few more for good measure. Oh the delights of being clobbered by heavy baggage as one’s fellow passenger’s show their pleasure at visiting this great capital city by swinging their luggage with gay abandon.
Another fun aspect of the daily commute is the manner in which it enables one to make new friends. The train or other mode of transport jolts and one finds a total stranger sitting on one’s lap (that is if you have been fortunate enough to obtain that rarest of comodities, a seat)!
Talking of seats or the lack thereof, I have hit upon a sure fire way of obtaining one when travelling in this great city of London. I proclaim at the top of my voice,
“Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns!” he said.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.”
My fellow commuters are so moved by the power of Tennyson that they rise in unison and vacate the carriage leaving me to my declaiming. They are no doubt deeply touched by the majesty of the poem and rather than show emotion in front of me choose rather to express it elsewhere.
To all of my fellow commuters, happy commuting!
Kevin
