Tag Archives: satire

The Return

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I have just returned from spending Christmas on my country estate in Oxfordshire. It was wonderful to see the old place with it’s rolling acres and a tear ran down my cheek as the faithful old butler Soames struggled, bent double under the weight of my luggage but that is, after all what servants are for …

In point of fact I spent a pleasant week with my mum and her partner in the city of my birth, Liverpool. There are, alas no rolling acres, just a small back garden in which my guide dog, Trigger soon made himself at home. On Christmas day we all, as is customary exchanged gifts. Even Trigger and my mum’s black Labrador, Lilley received presents. Not content with his own gift Trigger took it upon himself to eat a box of chocolates which had been left under the Christmas tree as a present for my mum. Not satisfied with the chocolates he enjoyed a tasty desert of … scented candle! Fortunately Trigger suffered no ill effects and he is, as I write sleeping at my feet.

Well I am now back in London and my mum’s dog, Lilley can breathe a sigh of relief as there is no hungry monster lurking in the shadows waiting to deprive her of her dinner!

The Root Of All Evil

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Money is the root of all evil. Whoever said that, they must have been having a laugh.

“Charlotte darling money is the root of all evil”.

“I couldn’t agree more Tarquin. Don’t you just love those African village women? They look so natural and content carrying pales of water from the village well. I envy them, no investments to worry about or concerns regarding school fees. We are so pampered here in the west, we can learn so much from those ladies”.

I’d love to see Charlotte bent double carrying a gallon of water.

“Oh gosh Tarquin these party shoes aren’t designed for the African bush, my silk dress is absolutely ruined”.

Me I’m a dyed in the wool materialist. Money may be the root of all evil but it sure as hell makes life worth living. Just try existing without cold hard cash, go on and see how far you get.

Tarquin and his kind will try and convince you that money doesn’t make you happy. Come off it, try telling that to the young man sleeping under Waterloo Bridge. He’d laugh in your face if you are lucky and, if you aren’t he’ll break your nose.

Heres a riddle for you, what opens doors and is neither a key nor a door knob? Give up, I’ll tell you. The answer is money stupid!

I’ve plenty of the filthy stuff. It may be dirty but it sure as hell gets me into exclusive hotels and restaurants. Take tonight, here I am in the Ritz sipping champagne having just partaken of roast pheasant with all the trimmings. Delicious it was. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

That waitress, the slim brunette with those come to bed eyes keeps looking in my direction. I’m in there. Tonights the night if I play my cards right, to borrow a phrase. Girls love a big tipper and I’m always generous with my tips. Whats the greatest aphrodisiac in the world? Viagra. I thought you’d say that. No the answers money, course it is. One look at my wallet and women go weak at the knees. Well not all women but a fair number fall in love with my wadge. You think I’m shallow do you? Well I think you’re jealous. Come on, admit it man to man, you’d like some of what I’ve got wouldn’t you? You can deny it until you’re blue in the face but I can see the envy in your eyes.

I am Mr popular tonight. That leggy blonde keeps giving me the eye. Wow my luck’s in, she is coming over

“Excuse me sir I’m arresting you on suspicion of credit card fraud. You do not need to say anything but anything you do say will be taken down and may be used in evidence against you. Do you understand?”

Prime Minister’s Questions

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The Leader of the Opposition

“Can the Prime Minister tell the House “how much is that doggy in the window?””

The Prime Minister

“The one with the waggerly tail?”

The Leader of the Opposition

“The Prime Minister knows full well which specific canine I am referring to”.

The Prime Minister

“my civil servants have made extensive enquiries and I am advised that, that doggy is not, in fact for sale. I do, however understand from my right honourable friend, the Foreign Secretary that “In Rangoon the heat at noon is just what the natives shun, but mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid day, out in the mid day, out in the mid day sun””.

The Leader of the Opposition

“I have a little cat and I’m very fond of that but I’d rather have a bow, wow wow”.

The Prime Minister

“Perhaps the Leader of the Opposition could put  a doggy on his Christmas list, who knows what Santa might bring him. If the party opposite had handled the public finances more wisely when they where in office then more men and women would be able to afford to own a bow wow” (The Commons dissolves into laughter and Prime Minister’s Questions is suspended).

Mind the Gap

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Every working day (in my case Monday-Friday) I take both the train and London underground to get into the office. During my travels I hear a number of anouncements advising travellers to mind the gap between the platform and other important matters. Having a quirky sense of humour I can not help but think up alternatives to these anouncements some of which I have given below. First is the correct announcement followed by my alternative rendering:

 

Original Anouncement – mind the gap.

My version – mind the gap for the gap can not mind you.

 

Original announcement – Smoking is prohibited Anywhere on this station

My version – smoking is positively encouraged anywhere on this station

 

Original announcement – Please do not leave unattended articles on this station. Unattended items will be removed and may be destroyed.

My version – Please leave unattended articles on this station. Unattended items may be removed and distributed to random strangers.