Tag Archives: humour

The Suspected Literary Criminal

Burglar Caught in Rome Mid-Heist While Taking a Break to Read Homer’s The Iliad

Its heartening to know that there exist those of a literary bent in the criminal community!

To be serious for a moment. If this (suspected)thief is convicted, and whilst imprisoned develops his love of literature,  it is to be hoped that he will “sin no more” on his release from jail.

Some years back, (before Covid), I visited Brixton prison with friends to eat in the restaurant run by some of the prisoners. The idea behind the restaurant was to teach the prisoners skills so they could obtain gainful employment on their release into the community. Whilst the preparation of food is not the same as developing a love of the written word, hopefully our (alleged) literary thief will, if found guilty,  develop his skills in a direction other than house breaking whilst in prison.

For anyone interested in the Clink charity which runs the restaurant in Brixton prison, you can find out more here Brixton – The Clink Charity : The Clink Charity

Youthful Passion

Their youthful passion unlocks.

She loses shoes and frock.

Then the vicar knocks …!

Arty

When I attended a singles swingers party

With the great and the somewhat arty,

A young lady named Claire

Tied me up with Flair.

Those knots they were really quite arty!

Miss Ice

A young lady known as Miss Ice

Has a reputation for not being nice.

Her real name is Coral

And she’s so very immoral!

But to me she’s always been nice …!

Shy Guy

I met a group of young women

Who spoke of the joys of sinning.

But I, being shy

Hid in a pie

With the beautiful and talented Miss Winning!

Bad Poetry

When a rude and unfeeling young lad

Said, “your poems are so very bad!”.

I wept full sore

And said, “tell me more!”,

As I soundly thrashed that lad!

Whilst Singing a Very Old Hymn

Whilst singing a very old hymn

I spied that sinful Miss Lin.

She spoke of pleasure

In the sweet heather,

And I stopped singing that hymn …

Dover Beach, a Parody

A couple of days ago, I joined a poetry session on Zoom. The theme of the readings was “the sea”. I read 2 poems, one of my own, and Matthew Arnold’s fine poem, Dover Beach, which has long been one of my favourites Dover Beach by Matthew Arnold | Poetry Foundation.

 

Looking out to sea in the company of an unnamed woman, Arnold is reminded of “the turbid ebb and flow of human misery”. “The sea of faith” was once a powerful force holding society together,

“… But now I only hear

Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,

Retreating, to the breath

Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear

And naked shingles of the world.”

 

Arnold sees love as the only way to deal with the decline of moral certitude and faith. Speaking to  his lover who is looking out the window towards France with him, Arnold  remarks,

“Ah, love, let us be true

To one another! for the world, which seems

To lie before us like a land of dreams,

So various, so beautiful, so new,

Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;

And we are here as on a darkling plain

Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,

Where ignorant armies clash by night.”

 

After my reading there followed a discussion of Dover Beach. During the discussion someone mentioned that Anthony Hecht had written a parody of Arnold’s poem entitled The Dover Bitch. Being a curious soul I Googled Hecht’s poem https://poets.org/poem/dover-bitch.

 

In the poem Hecht imagines how Arnold’s lover felt as she was addressed on the subject of the decline of faith, whilst her mind was otherwise engaged

“Well now, I knew this girl. It’s true she had read
Sophocles in a fairly good translation
And caught that bitter allusion to the sea,
But all the time he was talking she had in mind
The notion of what his whiskers would feel like
On the back of her neck …”.

 

Hecht’s The Dover Bitch is certainly an amusing read, which is why I am sharing it here. I wonder will I ever be able to read Matthew Arnold’s Dover Beach in quite the same way again!

 

The Dangers of Catching a Cold

When Rose took all her clothes off

The dear old vicar began to cough.

The weather being cold

Rose was most bold!

And the vicar he developed a cough …!

 

Dave Who Shaved on a Grave

When a young man named Dave

Decided to shave on a grave,

And a ghastly ghoul

Called him a fool,

He gave that knave a shave!