Tag Archives: humour

Anyone Fancy Spam For Lunch?

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One of the chores of maintaining a blog is going through the spam folder. All those kind individuals wishing to sell you products, such as Viagra which you didn’t even know you needed until their sales pitch ended up in your spam folder. Actually even after it arrived in your spam queue you aren’t exactly convinced that you have a burning desire for whatever product the spammer happens to be hawking!

Going through the spam can be a real pain in the neck. However I do, on occasions derive some humour from the comments which end up there. Take for example this comment which I discovered lurking in my spam this morning:

“Thanks so considerably for this! I have not been this thrilled by a blog post for fairly some time! You have received it, whatsoever that means in running

a blog. In any case, Youa??re definitely a person that has anything to say that individuals should listen to.”

I haven’t got a clue what the spammer is talking about but it did bring a smile to my face!

On a serious point I can not, for the life of me make out what spammers hope to achieve by comments such as that quoted above. OK the people hawking Viagra (fake or otherwise) constitute a right royal pain. I can, however understand their motivation (I.E. the desire to make money) but what possesses someone to write utter gibberish such as the example given above? It beats me, it really does!

 

Anyone For Chocolate?

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It was a warm autumnal evening. In fact it was unseasonably hot and I was wondering not for the first time that day what on earth had possessed me to put on a raincoat. Well I could, just possibly justify the waterproof but the fleece which attaches to the raincoat? Surely I ought to have removed the fleece before leaving for work in the morning.

As I approached the crossing opposite to Charing Cross station I heard the dulcet tones of a young lady enquiring whether I’d like some chocolate. Now as anyone who works or visits London on a regular basis will know it is fairly common for passersby to be offered free samples ranging from tea to various food stuffs. I had, however never been approached on the street prior to this afternoon. Indeed my first reaction was to think “how kind” and decline the chocolate which I, in my naivety assumed was being offered as a gift. The young lady had a wonderful foreign accent which greatly intrigued me. Perhaps giving gifts of chocolate to total strangers formed an integral part of her culture or was my newly found acquaintance so enamoured with me that she felt impelled to demonstrate her affection by furnishing me with a gift of chocolate. It was, quite obviously the latter I concluded.

My newly found love was, alas to shy to confess her feelings. On me enquiring as to why she was visiting the UK my companion informed me that she was a Mexican student studying here.  Selling chocolate was, she said her way of making money. As I say a deeply shy young lady who, rather than confessing her passion for a total stranger chose rather to invent a cock and bull tale about selling chocolate!

Well we parted friends dear reader, the young woman clutching £1 which I paid for the crunchy which she provided. I have been trying to find where she wrote her number on the paper but alas in her excitement she forgot to include it on the wrapper. Oh well there are plenty more fish in the sea …

Bridget Jones and David Jason under the covers

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I am a fan of David Jason in his role as Delboy in the ITV sitcom Only Fools and Horses. I was therefore amused to learn that 40 pages of his autobiography have been accidentally printed in Helen Fielding’s new Bridget Jones book, Mad About The Boy. I must confess to never having read The Diary Of Bridget Jones but this story made me chuckle, http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/10/10/bridget-jones-printing-error-david-jason_n_4077784.html

The Root Of All Evil

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Money is the root of all evil. Whoever said that, they must have been having a laugh.

“Charlotte darling money is the root of all evil”.

“I couldn’t agree more Tarquin. Don’t you just love those African village women? They look so natural and content carrying pales of water from the village well. I envy them, no investments to worry about or concerns regarding school fees. We are so pampered here in the west, we can learn so much from those ladies”.

I’d love to see Charlotte bent double carrying a gallon of water.

“Oh gosh Tarquin these party shoes aren’t designed for the African bush, my silk dress is absolutely ruined”.

Me I’m a dyed in the wool materialist. Money may be the root of all evil but it sure as hell makes life worth living. Just try existing without cold hard cash, go on and see how far you get.

Tarquin and his kind will try and convince you that money doesn’t make you happy. Come off it, try telling that to the young man sleeping under Waterloo Bridge. He’d laugh in your face if you are lucky and, if you aren’t he’ll break your nose.

Heres a riddle for you, what opens doors and is neither a key nor a door knob? Give up, I’ll tell you. The answer is money stupid!

I’ve plenty of the filthy stuff. It may be dirty but it sure as hell gets me into exclusive hotels and restaurants. Take tonight, here I am in the Ritz sipping champagne having just partaken of roast pheasant with all the trimmings. Delicious it was. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

That waitress, the slim brunette with those come to bed eyes keeps looking in my direction. I’m in there. Tonights the night if I play my cards right, to borrow a phrase. Girls love a big tipper and I’m always generous with my tips. Whats the greatest aphrodisiac in the world? Viagra. I thought you’d say that. No the answers money, course it is. One look at my wallet and women go weak at the knees. Well not all women but a fair number fall in love with my wadge. You think I’m shallow do you? Well I think you’re jealous. Come on, admit it man to man, you’d like some of what I’ve got wouldn’t you? You can deny it until you’re blue in the face but I can see the envy in your eyes.

I am Mr popular tonight. That leggy blonde keeps giving me the eye. Wow my luck’s in, she is coming over

“Excuse me sir I’m arresting you on suspicion of credit card fraud. You do not need to say anything but anything you do say will be taken down and may be used in evidence against you. Do you understand?”

Literary Dating

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I derive great pleasure from reading as you would expect from a writer. However I keep a sense of proportion. I would not for instance dump a partner merely because they failed to share my literary tastes (failing to shower for weeks on end, now that is a different matter, but not liking the same authors as me, no)! That is, however what Fleur Macdonald, the founder of the Omnivore literary magazine, did when she found her boyfriend reading an inferior edition of Virgil. What is  more she founded a dating service for those who feel that one’s tastes in literature trump all else when seeking a prospective partner. Well I am not about to join, however for anyone curious about the service please visit the following link http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/booknews/10204049/Literary-website-launches-dating-service.html

I’m Not Good In The Morning

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“Hello” he said. Of course I don’t answer. Perhaps you will think me rude as a greeting should illicit a response. But look at things from my perspective. There I am relaxing in my bed, minding my own business and he breezes in and says “hello”! What you still think that I’m lacking in social graces do you? Well how would you like to be disturbed at a little after 6 am by a cheery fool saying “hello?” I thought not, you wouldn’t be thrilled either so you can, I think understand why I totally blanked my friend’s attempt to engage me in conversation.

Not content with disturbing my beauty sleep he will humiliate me later today by expecting me to wear a harness. Not just in private in our home. No that would be bad enough, he expects me to wear it in public. Surely there is a law against such things and, if there isn’t then I’d urge you to lobby your MPs to bring one in urgently! Does anyone know whether making a guide dog wear a harness breeches my human rights?”

The Silly Things I Do

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Do you ever do silly things? I certainly do particularly when I’m thinking about my writing. A few days ago, having finished with a piece of kitchen roll I threw the remains of the paper towel into the bin. Well that is what I meant to do. In fact the kitchen roll had a ducking as it ended up in the washing up bowl, not the waste paper basket! On another occasion I went to put the dog’s bowl away in the fridge. A highly logical place for storing a dog bowl! Well I’ll need to concentrate on matters other than writing this morning as the Guide Dogs for the Blind Association are visiting to check on how my guide dog, Trigger and I are working together. This is a routine visit which all guide dog owners have but I will still be on my best behaviour as will Trigger!

No Problem

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I am, as those of you who follow this blog will know registered blind. As a consequence of my blindness I require sighted assistance to locate products while shopping.

Erlier this evening I popped into a supermarket and soon obtained help, however the assistance offered was so bizarre that I feel compelled to put fingers to keyboard and write about it. My conversation with the young lady went something like this

Me “Can I have a litre of fresh milk please, the one with the blue top?”

My assistant, “Absolutely, no problem”.

Me, “Can I have Tropicana orange juice please?”

My assistant, “Absolutely, no problem”.

My shopping “experience” (see I have all the right buzz words) continued in precisely the same manner until I, in a fit of merriment felt compelled to ask

“Do you say anything other than “absolutely, no problem?””

My companion responded with

“Sometimes I say cool” (I am not making this up I promise you)!

I asked if my companion spoke in the same manner when conversing with her friends, to which she replied that she was “a gamer” and this is how gamers interact with one another.

At the end of my “customer experience” I couldn’t resist saying with a smile that when I next encountered my companion I would call her “absolutely, no problem” to which she responded without a hint of irony that this was fine.

I feel that I’ve gone down the rabbit hole to join Alice in Wonderland and to be frank I don’t know whether it is me or my companion of earlier this evening who is the mad hatter!

I must confess to knowing virtually nothing about gaming, however if the pastime produces people who are unable to communicate other than by churning out meaningless phrases then we are, as one of the leading personalities in Dad’s Army says “all doomed”!

On a serious point excessive exposure to gaming or any other similar activity can not be conducive to the development of fully rounded persons. All things in moderation say I.

 

Kevin

The Case Of The Flying Laptop

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I will soon be famous. Let me rephrase that. I will soon be famous in my own locality for at least 15 minutes. It will be as a consequence of my writing. The reason I hear you ask? Have I written a short story which will wow the inhabitants of Crystal Palace and it’s environs when it appears in the local newspaper? No not quite. I am however fed up to the back teeth with my laptop which is not behaving as it should. To take just one example when I visit websites the machine frequently freezes and the only way in which I can close the internet is by resorting to the use of task manager! I have on several occasions been on the point of hurling the hapless computer out of the window. What a satisfying crash that dratted machine would make as it hit the ground. I can see the headlines now

“Mad writer flips his lid and throws laptop out of window accidentally braining neighbour”!

Well on the basis that all publicity is good publicity can someone open the window please, there is a mad writer on the loose.