I’m so nice and modest to, you’d like me, I’d like you to. I’m lacking in vice, so incredibly nice, my modesty shines through!
I’m So Nice
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Tag Archives: funny stuff
I’m Not Good In The Morning
“Hello” he said. Of course I don’t answer. Perhaps you will think me rude as a greeting should illicit a response. But look at things from my perspective. There I am relaxing in my bed, minding my own business and he breezes in and says “hello”! What you still think that I’m lacking in social graces do you? Well how would you like to be disturbed at a little after 6 am by a cheery fool saying “hello?” I thought not, you wouldn’t be thrilled either so you can, I think understand why I totally blanked my friend’s attempt to engage me in conversation.
Not content with disturbing my beauty sleep he will humiliate me later today by expecting me to wear a harness. Not just in private in our home. No that would be bad enough, he expects me to wear it in public. Surely there is a law against such things and, if there isn’t then I’d urge you to lobby your MPs to bring one in urgently! Does anyone know whether making a guide dog wear a harness breeches my human rights?”
The Silly Things I Do
Do you ever do silly things? I certainly do particularly when I’m thinking about my writing. A few days ago, having finished with a piece of kitchen roll I threw the remains of the paper towel into the bin. Well that is what I meant to do. In fact the kitchen roll had a ducking as it ended up in the washing up bowl, not the waste paper basket! On another occasion I went to put the dog’s bowl away in the fridge. A highly logical place for storing a dog bowl! Well I’ll need to concentrate on matters other than writing this morning as the Guide Dogs for the Blind Association are visiting to check on how my guide dog, Trigger and I are working together. This is a routine visit which all guide dog owners have but I will still be on my best behaviour as will Trigger!
The Case Of The Flying Laptop
I will soon be famous. Let me rephrase that. I will soon be famous in my own locality for at least 15 minutes. It will be as a consequence of my writing. The reason I hear you ask? Have I written a short story which will wow the inhabitants of Crystal Palace and it’s environs when it appears in the local newspaper? No not quite. I am however fed up to the back teeth with my laptop which is not behaving as it should. To take just one example when I visit websites the machine frequently freezes and the only way in which I can close the internet is by resorting to the use of task manager! I have on several occasions been on the point of hurling the hapless computer out of the window. What a satisfying crash that dratted machine would make as it hit the ground. I can see the headlines now
“Mad writer flips his lid and throws laptop out of window accidentally braining neighbour”!
Well on the basis that all publicity is good publicity can someone open the window please, there is a mad writer on the loose.
Did She Really Mean To Say That?
Several days ago I answered the phone to a lady calling on behalf of the Royal National Institute of the Blind (RNIB). She was conducting a survey and as I am myself blind and I was, at that juncture at a loose end I agreed to answer a few simple questions. At the end of the survey the lady asked my age and on me confirming that I am in my 40’s she announced that
“I’ve been doing all the men in London in their 40’s today and I’m very tired”. Now what can one say to that …
Kevin Morris reading his limerick ‘Claire’.
A recording of me reading my limerick, ‘Claire’.
Kevin Morris reading his limerick ‘Beth’.
Beth by Kevin Morris.
The Joy of Housekeeping
I hate housekeeping and I’m not talking about housework although as it happens I dislike that also. I’m refering to the need to update the static content on my blog. While I enjoy blogging I find it a chore to update my About, My Books and My Reviews pages. It is a necessity but it’s importance makes it not one jot the more interesting! Oh well I’ll stop belly aching and get on with adding my collection of short stories, Sting In The Tail And Other Stories (http://www.amazon.com/Sting-tail-other-stories-ebook/dp/B00DFK6R54) to my static pages. Oh hold on a minute I fancy a nice soak in the bath not that I’m putting off the dreaded task you understand …
Anyone for Tea?
One of the great pleasures in life, other than a few pints with close friends, in convivial surroundings, is a nice hot cup of tea. When writing I often sit with a cup of tea close to hand and, from time to time I pause momentarily, remove my fingers from the keyboard and enjoy a sip of that refreshing beverage. I like my tea with milk and although I have tried to give up sugar, on occasions I succumb to temptation and put sugar in my beverage.
I love tea accept when it goes all over my laptop. Tea and laptops really don’t mix but despite my best of intensions yesterday wasn’t the first time (and it won’t be the last) when I send my favourite hot beverage splish sploshing all over my laptop, desktop and the papers scattered all over my desk. Well the laptop needed a clean anyway and the tea followed by the wipe down with a damp cloth and kitchen towel should have done the trick.
Anyone for a cuppa? I’m just off to make one.
…
An Ode to Trigger
The below humorous poem was penned by one of my former colleagues and relates to the antics of my guide dog Trigger who can be seen in the below photograph:
There was a young guide dog named Trigger,
Who pursued people’s lunches with vigour,
Whether cold food or hot,
He’d go after the lot,
And caused many a smirk and a snigger.
K Morris - Poet 