Category Archives: literature

An Offer I Simply Can Not Afford To Turn Down

Below is an e-mail from a most noble and worthy gentleman together with my response. The e-mil was, for some inexplicable reason relegated by Google to my spam folder. Riches await me …!

Email From Dr Menah

“My dear good frend

Compliment of the season, how are you and your family? Hope All is well. I am Dr. Igho Menah, the accountant general in the accounts unit Bank of Africa (BOA-BF) Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. I got your contact from the Burkina Faso chambers of commerce have some fund to claim in my bank Which will be of benefit to both of us.

I want you to be an inheritor of the fund, the fund is in a Doormat account and with your bank information and my Documentation certifies you as the inheritor/beneficiary Since I am an insider and working in the same bank, the Transfer will be processed legally and successfully and I will Be coming down to your country for disbursement.

The amount of money involved is ($5.6million) which I want you to Claim for further transfer out of the country to your bank Account, all to our financial benefit. This is very great opportunity as it will take a maximum of 7 banking Working days to be concluded.

I as an insider will do my duties perfectly well concerning this transaction for security reasons. This is confidential for successful conclusion and hitch-free transaction. Contact me immediately for further details and mutual Relationship and we will decide together on how to disburse The funds and percentage as well, my private email Address :(address deleted by me)

I will be waiting to hear from you.

Yours truly.
Dr. Igho Menah.”

My Response

“Dear Dr Menah,

thank yu for your kind communication and good wishes in respect of myself and those dear to me. I am touched that a gentleman of such exhaulted position (I refer, of course to your noble personage) should take time away from his busy schedule to contact me, a mere author. I trust that my response kindles in what, I feel sure must be a heart full of the milk of human kindness,feelings of the upmost exhaultation.

I was most interested to read your kind invitation to participate in your scheme for relieving your country’s bank of a significant sum of money. I feel certain that an upright gentleman, a man of probity and, no doubt deeply religious beliefs would not be a party to (or expect me, a humble author) to participate in what some uncharitable individuals, (not myself I hasten to add) might construe as constituting fraudulent conduct. I was, incidentally most interested to read about the “Doormat account”. I have not heard of any such banking instrument and would be most grateful if you could find time in your busy schedule to enlighten me regarding what a “doormat account” consists of?

I will give your offer the consideration which it so richly deserves. You may expect to hear from me, via a message placed in a beer bottle which I shall drop in the great Atlantic in the hope and expectation that my bank account details will reach your good self in a timely fashon.

Are you, by the way a lover of literature.? I feel sure that a man of your stature must be very learned. May I take the liberty of suggesting that you may wish to visit my Amazon author page. You will, I am confident find material to entertain and delight you contained therein.

Yours most insincerely

A Humble Author

(Note; I did not, in fact respond to Dr Menah’s most generous invitation but, had I done so the above is what I would have penned in response).

Robert

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“They call him the new Tolstoy.

“A modern Dickens”, that is how one of the leading broad sheets referred to Mr A just the other day.

“Your latest novel, “The End Of The Beginning” shows such profundity. Really it took my breath away”, gushed Lisa Allingham-Carter, the host of “Books Are For Everyone”, smiling bewitchingly at Mr A. What does Ms Carter no about good literature? The daughter of a peer of the realm and the looks of a cat walk model, that’s what got her the job. I despair about the state of the arts in the UK. Heaven preserve us from the Allingham-Carters of the literary world!

You have to admire Mr A though. He began life on what the media has referred to as “surely the country’s roughest council estate” and now look at him, a mansion in the Cheshire countryside, not to mention the apartment in London’s fashionable Mayfair. Mr A has certainly arrived.

If only Mr A’s fawning fans new the truth. Whats that you ssay? No he doesn’t employ a ghost writer. Nothing so pedestrian for Mr A. Do I feel jealous? That’s an interesting question. I can comprehend jealousy at a purely intellectual level but, no I lack the capacity for such petty feelings.

I could develop the ability to be envious I suppose, for after all one can learn anything by rote. Let me tell you a story. You do have a few minutes to spare don’t you? Good, my tale won’t take long to relate I promise.

Once, not so very long ago there lived a man with aspirations to become an author. He longed to stand alongside the literary greats. To be mentioned in the same breath as Brontae, Dickens and Tolstoy was his dream. Sadly our friend lacked the ability to string a sentence together. His literary efforts where enough to make a cat laugh so to speak. Mr A did, however possess one quality which was to change the world of letters beyond all recognition, without anyone even knowing that society had, forever altered. You see Mr A was a brilliant computer programmer. You have heard of artificial intelligence? Of course you have. Well Mr A developed a programme capable of analysing the vast cannon of world literature. Drawing on the works of the literary greats, the software generated stories and poetry without Mr A lifting a finger (unless, of course you consider his setting the programme in motion as constituting literary effort).

The great advantage humans possess is that they, unlike software can venture out into the world. The writer overhears an interesting snipet of conversation while out shopping and incorporates that into his latest novel. Software can trawl the web but it can’t interact with people nor can it comprehend the myriad emotions which dwell within the human breast. Consequently for some time the software remained at an experimental stage (capable of producing stories but incapable of endowing it’s creations with the vitality that separates the mundane from the truly great).

The literary world has been shaken to it’s very foundations. Nothing can ever be the same again. Yet the world of letters remains blissfully unaware of me – Robert, the literary robot.

Dressed in jeans and t-shirt I don’t attract a second glance. I sit in bars, restaurants and other public places soaking up conversations. Sights, sounds and scents all go into my mamoth brain. Experience of the real world coupled with the knowledge gained from the internet makes me (err, I mean Mr A) a writer possessed of huge literary talent.

I could go to the media. Spill the beans I suppose but, as I’ve already mentioned human emotions such as envy aren’t part of my programming. It would though be interesting, on a purely cerebral level to upset the literary apple cart by announcing my presence to the world. I’ll think on that one. In the meantime I shall return to writing the sequel to “The End Of The beginning …”.

The Strand Is Dead, Long Live The Strand!

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As a lover of the Sherlock Holmes stories I was interested to learn that The Strand Magazine, in which 56 of Conan Doyle’s Holme’s adventures first appeared has been revived in print and online formats, (http://www.strandmag.com/hist.htm). The revived magazine (The Strand began publishing in the 1890’s and folded in 1950 due to falling circulation figures and lack of finances) aims to continue the original publication’s venerable traditions by publishing the best in crime and other genres.

I wish The Strand well and am considering subscribing to the online edition. I do wonder though how, in a world in which so much fiction is provided free online, a paid for periodical of this nature can survive? Having asked the question I will attempt to answer it.

The growth in free online content has not killed the ebook (indeed the format is thriving. Witness, for example the success of Amazon). Many of my own stories originally appeared on this blog. This has, however not prevented readers from downloading them from Amazon. Perhaps the inclusion of stories on an author’s blog (either as extracts or in their entirety) attracts followers who, in turn will download the author’s work when it becomes available on Amazon or other sites. I am cautiously optimistic in terms of both the Strand and paid writing more generally.

Have You Compiled A Charity Anthology? If So You May Be Able To Assist

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As those of you who follow this blog will know I am compiling a charity anthology to raise money for The Guide Dogs For The Blind Association (GDBA), a charity which trains assistance dogs for visually impaired people.

I have been moved by the kindness of fellow bloggers and authors in providing a platform to promote the idea and to everyone who has submitted content. I hope that the book will be published in the Amazon Kindle store in February of this year.

I have no experience of charity anthologies and would greatly appreciate advice from anyone who has published such a work regarding how best to get the monies to Guide Dogs? I have my own author’s page on Amazon. I am, however reluctant to publish the work using my Amazon author’s account as this would necessitate me separating out payments intended for Guide Dogs from monies meant for me and forwarding them onto the charity. The simplest and least beurocratic solution would appear to entail setting up the book on it’s own Amazon page while furnishing Amazon with GDBA’s account details thereby ensuring that payments go direct to the charity’s account. I would link to the anthology from this blog and my Amazon author page but the title and monies would remain distinct from my publications. Does anyone know whether this is a viable way forward? If not how have you addressed the issue of getting monies to your charity? Any advice would be most welcome. Please feel free to comment or alternatively e-mail me at newauthoronline at gmail . com (the address is rendered in this way to defeat the scourge of the internet, spammers)!

Many thanks,

Kevin

You Know That Sinking Feeling

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As a writer it is perhaps inevitable that sooner or later fiction and real life will collide. In November 2014 I wrote a short story entitled “Women’s Shoes” which originally appeared as a guest post on a fellow blogger’s site and, subsequently under the title “Shoes” in my collection of short stories, “The Suspect And Other Tales”, (http://www.amazon.com/The-Suspect-other-tales-Morris-ebook/dp/B00PKPTQ0U). The story deals with the obsession of a serial killer with the footware worn by prostitutes and is a work of fiction with no basis in fact.

Having finished “Shoes” I e-mailed it to my blogging friend, shut down the laptop and headed off for Sunday lunch in a local pub. There I sat, pint in hand idly browsing the Telegraph’s website on my mobile phone as I waited for my Sunday roast to arrive. My attention was arrested by a story regarding a man accused of having murdered 2 women in his Hong Kong flat., (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/hongkong/11203291/British-man-arrested-over-Hong-Kong-double-murder.html). The article referred to the victims as “sex workers” and contained horrific details regarding their deaths. Suddenly I didn’t feel particularly hungry. At first glance my story bore an uncanny resemblance to the article I was reading. Both the Telegraph’s piece and my story deal with the killing of prostitutes (in my case on a purely fictional basis while the newspaper’s piece pertains to the killing of flesh and blood women). I had written my story in total ignorance of the murders and had I known of the killings would not have penned it. However given that I had composed the story what was I to do? Should I email my blogging friend asking that the piece be deferred, or not published in any form?

I looked at the facts of the case. My story was set in the UK and was written in total ignorance of the Hong Kong killings. In the (fictional) “Shoes” the killer is obsessed with the footware worn by the world’s oldest profession, (there was no intimation of any such obsession in the Telegraph’s article). In”Shoes” the psychopathic killer keeps his victims bodies frozen in a commercial freezer, meaning there would be no odour of decomposition, while in the Hong Kong case the corpse’s of the unfortunate ladies where found in a state of decomposition in the apartment of the accused (his neighbours had complained of the smell emanating from the flat). In short it was a pure coincidence that my story bore a passing resemblance to the (real-life) Hong Kong case and on this basis I determined not to withdraw it from publication.

There is, as is so often remarked “nothing new under the sun”. It is inevitable that stories written in total ignorance of (real-life) crimes will sometimes reflect (albeit wholly unintentionally), and often in an indirect manner those actual happenings.

(Please note, the Hong Kong case is still to go to trial and I make no assumption as to the outcome of the case, I.E. a man is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law).

Book Review – “This Present Garden Of Pain” By Sonya R Simon

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I have just read and reviewed “This Present Garden Of Pain” by Tanya R Simon, which movingly chronicles the life of an abuse survivor. For my review on Amazon please visit the following link (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/RC6TSVMG04E7K/ref=cm_cr_pr_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B00PMDOKG0).

Charlie Hebdo Front Cover

A Modern Wasteland

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Last night I dreamed of a library. I wandered around unable to locate what I was looking for although, as is frequently the case with dreams it was not at all clear what, exactly I was in search of. Looking back on my dreaming I can not, in point of fact recollect having encountered a single work of literature.

Loud music filled the institution making concentration all but impossible. I approached the librarian asking that the volume be turned down or, preferably silenced completely. She informed me that the people liked it. That this was, in fact the modern way.

Are we living in a culture so devoid of meaning that my dream is fast becoming the reality? I avoid reality TV like the plague however, while in doctors surgeries and other similar venues one can not but help coming across shows such as Jeremy Kyle in which inadequate individuals launder their dirty clothes in public. The audience (both that present in the studio and those viewing remotely) are treated to the unedifying spectacle of supposedly rational human beings frequently screaming abuse at one another.

“You slept with my sister”

A woman yells at her boyfriend – etc, etc.

Doubtless many of those who appear on programmes such as Jeremy Kyle do require help. However the assistance needed is that furnished by relationship counsellors, social workers or other professionals. Such shows are modern manifestations of a dessicated culture. One in which entertainment is substituted for serious thought. In the past the Romans watched gladiators fight to the death or “enjoyed” the spectacle of Christians being thrown to the lions. Today the audience cheers, boos and laughs as those in search of their fleeting moment of fame make fools of themselves on television. T S Eliot’s Wasteland seems so very appropriate for our times (http://www.bartleby.com/201/1.html).

A 4 Star Review Of My Collection Of Poetry And Prose; Dalliance

Seeking Readers Willing To Write An Honest Review Of “Dalliance” In Return For A Free Copy Of My Book

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I am seeking honest reviews of my collection of poetry and prose “Dalliance”, (http://www.amazon.com/Dalliance-collection-poetry-prose-Morris-ebook/dp/B00QQVJC7E). In return for a free copy of “Dalliance” you would review my book (clearly stating in the review that a free copy had been provided by the author) and giving your honest opinion regarding it’s contents. The review could be posted on your own blog or on another site.

If you are interested in writing an honest review of “Dalliance” please contact me at newauthoronline (at) gmail.com, (the address is rendered in this manner in order to defeat spammers).