I shall be taking a break from blogging for a week or so while my mum and her partner visit my sprawling estate in the country. Err I mean my flat in Crystal Palace (the estate was wishful thinking)! I must go now due to the need to brief the servants on the preparations for tonight’s banquet. See you all in a week or so. Kevin
Yesterday I attended a course on CV writing. At one point the trainer refered to the problems one faces when composing or amending a CV. I was struck by the refreshing way in which she acknowledge that problems actually exist here in the real world. There is a deplorable tendency particularly among management types to come out with statements along the lines of
“There are no problems, only solutions” or
“There are no problems only challenges”.
On communicating my pleasure to the trainer regarding her acknowledgement that problems as opposed to challenges actualy exist she related the following humorous true story.
In marketing there are supposed to be no problems only situations. A group of salesmen where attending a training course when one of them refered to the problems he was experiencing in his work. His colleagues rebuked him saying that there are no problems only situations. He responded that
“Well I am facing so many situations it is turning into a problem”!
I would love to meet that man and shake him by the hand. With one brilliant stroke he cut through the Gordian knot of management speak and told, god help us the plain unvarnished truth. Would that there where many more men and women of his ilk. But then again the rubbish spouted by management types does provide endless hours of amusement to we mere mortals!
It must be true, it’s here in black and white, celebrity raped by martian in the middle of the night.
It must be true, paedophiles are everywhere, innuendo and suspicion fill the air.
It must be true, immigrants are stealing are jobs, I read it in that organ of truth, The Daily Slob.
Look at that couple on reality TV, he watched while his girlfriend had sex with is best friend’s wife, but what has that got to do with my life?!
Every working day (in my case Monday-Friday) I take both the train and London underground to get into the office. During my travels I hear a number of anouncements advising travellers to mind the gap between the platform and other important matters. Having a quirky sense of humour I can not help but think up alternatives to these anouncements some of which I have given below. First is the correct announcement followed by my alternative rendering:
Original Anouncement – mind the gap.
My version – mind the gap for the gap can not mind you.
Original announcement – Smoking is prohibited Anywhere on this station
My version – smoking is positively encouraged anywhere on this station
Original announcement – Please do not leave unattended articles on this station. Unattended items will be removed and may be destroyed.
My version – Please leave unattended articles on this station. Unattended items may be removed and distributed to random strangers.
“You only live once” the girl said.
“Indeed we do” her companion replied smiling.
Should he allow this beautiful young lady to do something so intimate and potentially fraught with danger? If things went as he (and she) hoped they would then mutual satisfaction would be the result. A sense of fulfilment would flood his being and the girl would smile with delight at having made another man happy. The man would boast to his jealous friends about the wonders of this talented girl. They would, in return seek to avail themselves of the lady’s services. Even were he to allow the girl to perform this most private and embarrassing of services for him he wasn’t sure whether he could, on second thoughts confide in even his most trusted friends. Even if he withheld the shocking secret from his dearest friends they would, undoubtedly notice something different about him which would give the game away. The smug smile on his face would act as a clue that he had given into that urge which oft afflicts men of a certain age and to compound the offence that he had done so with a girl young enough to be his daughter. Would allowing a lady of more mature years to minister to his intimate requirements be more acceptable? Perhaps so but the man wasn’t being tempted by a lady of his own age, he was being seduced by a gorgeous 20-year-old into doing something which he new, in his heart of hearts he might well bitterly regret. Never the less the man was tempted. What Could possibly be the harm? They were both adults. No doubt tongues would wag but let people gossip it was after all entirely a matter for himself as to whether he should give into temptation and allow the girl to ever so softly and with the greatest of care … dye his hair
While browsing the Telegraph’s website earlier today I came across the following article, by Celia Walden which resonated with me, http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/twitter/9831941/My-husbands-cheating-on-me-with-three-million-people.html. Walden argues that Twitter is about forsaking the present moment in order to brag about it later. For example the author points to the craze which is, apparently prevalent in America where people tweet pictures of their meals rather than sitting down and simply enjoying them! As I’ve remarked before technology is wonderful. It has, however lead some to be enslaved by the technology rather than allowing it to act as their servant.
I’m off now to make a cup of hot chocolate. Please watch out for the photograph of the steaming mug on Twitter. If you are lucky I may even include a full length video of yours truly drinking it. I’m sure you can hardly wait …!
Kevin
One of my new year’s resolutions was to review books which I’ve purchased in the Amazon Kindle store. Yesterday I received an e-mail from Amazon inviting me to review a book I’d downloaded. Just as I was about to dip my quil pen in the brass ink well which stands in pride of place on my oak desk (well put fingers to keyboard actually but quil pens sound much better)! I noticed that the book which I was being invited to review was my very own work, Samantha! Now how many stars should I provide my own book? And what kind of review should I leave? Answers please on a postcard written with your very own quil pens or, failing that a fountain pen will do! This will, of course be one book which I won’t be reviewing!
If anyone is wondering why I downloaded my own book the answer is a simple one – I wished to have my own copy on my Kindle.
I’m off now to buy blotting paper and fresh ink.
Kevin
A lesson to all writers to check our writing carefully prior to publishing (see the use of a word other than the intended one, gum in this article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2290084/Chew-wont-believe-Milton-Keynes-set-town-Britain-ban-chewing-gum.html).
Imagine the chaos which would ensue if a machine with the capability to read minds was released onto the market. I have an idea for a story which I may take further at some point in the future.
The London tube train has just left Hammersmith. The passengers are lost in the daily papers while others beat time to the music playing on their iPods. The only sounds are the rustling of papers and the chug chug of the train. Suddenly the sound of a slap echoes around the crowded carriage, “What the hell was that for. If you weren’t a girl I’d break your f … nose”! a young guy in a suit shouts at a slim brunette who’s hand print can clearly be seen on his reddening right cheek. “You where thinking that you would like to f .. me you filthy perv!” “You should be locked up. You need help lady. I was thinking no such thing and even if I was since when has fantasising been a crime?!”
Incidents such as this had sky rocketed ever since the release of the mind reading app which was earning it’s developers a fortune. Apple had stopped selling it in it’s iStore following a plea from the government, however it could still be downloaded for a few pounds from sites in countries over which the UK government had absolutely no control.
The cells where full of women (and a few men) who had reacted violently when the app picked up the amorous thoughts of persons in the vicinity of the app’s user. Secretaries had been fired for hitting their bosses while young ladies flew into a rage when the app detected the amorous thoughts their partner was directing towards their girlfriend’s best friend. What was to be done? Society tetered on the edge of collapse.
Perhaps I will write my story one day.
