“Here richly, with ridiculous display, the politician’s corpse was laid away. While all of his acquaintance sneered and slanged, I wept: for I had longed to see him hanged.” Hilaire Belloc.
The Politician
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Tag Archives: humour
Can someone pass the fountain pen please?
One of my new year’s resolutions was to review books which I’ve purchased in the Amazon Kindle store. Yesterday I received an e-mail from Amazon inviting me to review a book I’d downloaded. Just as I was about to dip my quil pen in the brass ink well which stands in pride of place on my oak desk (well put fingers to keyboard actually but quil pens sound much better)! I noticed that the book which I was being invited to review was my very own work, Samantha! Now how many stars should I provide my own book? And what kind of review should I leave? Answers please on a postcard written with your very own quil pens or, failing that a fountain pen will do! This will, of course be one book which I won’t be reviewing!
If anyone is wondering why I downloaded my own book the answer is a simple one – I wished to have my own copy on my Kindle.
I’m off now to buy blotting paper and fresh ink.
Kevin
Read Before Publishing!
A lesson to all writers to check our writing carefully prior to publishing (see the use of a word other than the intended one, gum in this article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2290084/Chew-wont-believe-Milton-Keynes-set-town-Britain-ban-chewing-gum.html).
Mind Reading App Released
Imagine the chaos which would ensue if a machine with the capability to read minds was released onto the market. I have an idea for a story which I may take further at some point in the future.
The London tube train has just left Hammersmith. The passengers are lost in the daily papers while others beat time to the music playing on their iPods. The only sounds are the rustling of papers and the chug chug of the train. Suddenly the sound of a slap echoes around the crowded carriage, “What the hell was that for. If you weren’t a girl I’d break your f … nose”! a young guy in a suit shouts at a slim brunette who’s hand print can clearly be seen on his reddening right cheek. “You where thinking that you would like to f .. me you filthy perv!” “You should be locked up. You need help lady. I was thinking no such thing and even if I was since when has fantasising been a crime?!”
Incidents such as this had sky rocketed ever since the release of the mind reading app which was earning it’s developers a fortune. Apple had stopped selling it in it’s iStore following a plea from the government, however it could still be downloaded for a few pounds from sites in countries over which the UK government had absolutely no control.
The cells where full of women (and a few men) who had reacted violently when the app picked up the amorous thoughts of persons in the vicinity of the app’s user. Secretaries had been fired for hitting their bosses while young ladies flew into a rage when the app detected the amorous thoughts their partner was directing towards their girlfriend’s best friend. What was to be done? Society tetered on the edge of collapse.
Perhaps I will write my story one day.
Three Men In A Boat (humour)
Three Men In A Boat is one of my all time favourite humorous books so I was delighted to come across the below clip on Youtube. The story recounts the humourous and, occasionally sad adventures of three men and their fox terrier as they traverse the Thames in a boat. The video is here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Asm7iXjLHCQ
Modesty Forbids
I have blogged previously about my early new year’s resolution to start leaving reviews, on Amazon of the books which I purchase from the Kindle Store (please see https://newauthoronline.wordpress.com/2012/11/29/book-reviews/). I have got off to a flying start by leaving a review of a book which I recently purchased from Amazon. I was, therefore rraring to go, my fingers poised above keyboard, on receiving an e-mail from Amazon asking me to rate one of my recent purchases – that is until I read the title of the book which they wished me to review – “The Girl At The Bus Stop”, by K Morris. To explain, as the author of said book I don’t feel best placed to provide an unbiased rating/review of my writing (can’t think why)! It would have been fun to attempt to rate my own work just to see how robust Amazon’s systems are at weeding out author generated reviews/ratings, however I would have died of shame had my rating actually appeared on the site!
Why you may ask did I purchase a copy of my own book? Simple, I wished to check that “The Girl At The Bus Stop” could be read without difficulty using a Kindle.
Well the above certainly made me smile!
No Spam Please I Prefer Ham
The wordpress.com spam filter is, in my experience highly effective capturing approximately 99 percent of solicitations for fake viagra, cheap imitation watches etc. However, very occasionally it allows through a comment which should have been consigned to my spam folder. I was amused today to receive the following comment forwarded to my e-mail address by WordPress for my approval
“Do you have a spam issue on this website; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation; we have created some nice
practices and we are looking to exchange solutions with other folks, be sure to shoot me an email if interested.”
I was tempted to respond as follows
“Thank you for your e-mail which WordPress somehow failed to consign to it’s rightful place in my spam folder never to see the light of day again! I do, on the whole find WordPress’s spam filters highly effective, however it does, on occasions allow through rubbish such as your comment which I have experienced great pleasure in consigning to my spam folder. May I respectfully suggest that you find something productive to do with your life rather than bombarding bloggers such as myself with your inane and time-wasting comments.
If I can be of further assistance please do hesitate to contact me.”
However I refrained from responding partly because I have better things to do with my life and, also because it would only encourage the company in question and other spammers to bombard me with further spam!
Rant over, K
The Joys of Technology
As I sit at my desk, typing away on my laptop I give thanks to the great god of technology. I love the way in which one’s brain is stretched by the necessity of remembering countless passwords without which one can not access e-mails, bank accounts etc. Forgetting passwords is such fun and helps to enhance one’s physical atributes. For example the way in which I shake my fist menacingly at my poor defenseless laptop provides me with much needed exercise and has helped to strengthen my arm muscles no end!
This evening the joy of guessing passwords was brought home to me with a vengence. I have now received the proof of the manuscript for my collection of short stories, “The First Time” in epub format. In order to access the document I downloaded software from Adobe’s website which installed like a dream. Great I thought as I clicked on the epub file containing the proof of “The First Time”, soon I will be able to read over the proof of my manuscript. Alas woe is me, the great god of technology requested that I enter a password in order to open the file – oops my publisher has neglected to inform me of the password so no book have I read! Oh well tomorrow is, as they say another day and with a bit of luck I’ll be able to give the proof the once over then after I receive the elusive password!
K Morris - Poet 