Tag Archives: humour

If I Where A Rentier

If I where a rentier living off capital
(The very idea is laughable)!
I would retire to the moors
(with other bores)
And shoot peasants
Yes, I think that would be pleasant …!

I would terrorise the local wenches
And build high fences
To keep at bay
Those intent on stealing my wealth away.

Huge parties I would throw
And my reputation for debauchery would grow.
The vicar would pray
Lest I give his secret away
While the bishop’s innocent daughter
Would, like a lamb to the slaughter …

But I am no collector of dividends
And my efforts bend
To writing verse
Which, growing worse and worse
Will, I fear, not fill my purse …!

One May As Well Be Hung For A Sheep As A Lamb

It is said that one may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. However, there being neither sheep nor lambs in the field, Tom stole the farmer’s prize cow instead.
They found Tom (or what had once constituted him) in a bloody mess in the field. Having forgotten his glasses and being extremely short sighted, he had mistook a very ill tempered bull for a mild mannered cow.
“Look on the bright side” said Mick Carmichael, down the Fox and Hounds later that evening.
“What bright side? Poor bloke was gored to death”! said Charlie Dunn.
“Well it just goes to prove what I always say – that one shouldn’t put any faith in those old sayings, as Tom wasn’t hanged for either a sheep or a lamb, but ended his days on the horns of farmer Robert’s prize bull …”! replied Mick Carmichael.