Category Archives: books

The Bad Poet (Humour)

He tried to make his verse rhyme

But it became worser and worser.

‘Twas perverse

To see

Dog rhyme with tree.

He cudgelled his brains to produce poetry fine

And was convinced beer rhymes with wine.

Inspiration from the great poets he took

And was certain Emily Dickinson

Was Brontae’s sister

And Heathcliff could not resist her.

Finally from the top of Wuthering Heights

He jumped

Hitting the moors with a plop

But his bad poems

Just would not halt.

It was his very great fault

He did not decease

And leave his readers in tranquillity!

 

Awakening To Wind Chimes

Awakening to the sun’s light

I listen with delight

to wooden wind chimes.

Their music delicate and sweet

has not disturbed my sleep.

Now heres the thing

you can not catch the wind.

It goes where it will

over dale and hill.

As a child it blew

through

our home

whistling in the chimney

as I sat alone

reading many a fable

at our oak table.

The gale inspired no fear

then

and when

I hear

it blowing near

today

I pray

it will blow all this away.

 

Albatross

The wind howls

as the environment scowls

on ersatz man

who can

only cower

At nature’s power.

His tower

shiny and new

may see him through

But the old gods wait

And ‘tis getting late.

Thor raises his hammer

Drowning out the yammer

Of man who plays on the Titanic’s dek

an albatross about his neck.

The Wall (Dedicated To My Grandfather)

The wall seemed so high.

Acorns fell as from the sky.

There they would lie

To be collected by you and I.

The acorn’s hard shell.

I remember it well.

The smell of the wood

Natural and good.

Now the wall is to high

And on the other side you lie.

 

Dancing Girl

Come visit the stage.

‘Tis all the rage

to see ecstasy without feeling.

Your senses will be reeling

as the lights on the ceiling

reveal her kneeling.

The club will be dark.

She will play her part

to perfection.

You need not fear rejection

for she will never tire.

and your desire

Is her pleasure.

Take your leisure

and find romance.

Come see the robot dance

Made In Britain

Everything will fail.

On my new shower rail

is written

“made in Britain”.

Kipling is out of fashion

yet there remains a passion

for things made here.

Caesar’s ghost stands near.

The sneer

On Ozymandias’s face

Has been wiped from it’s place

Leaving only sand

And barren land.

Everything will fail.

On my new shower rail

is written

“made in Britain”.

 

—

 

Yesterday I purchased a new shower rail and was pleased to discover that it was made in Britain. This sparked the above poem.

Secret Diary Of PorterGirl – The Making Of The Book Trailer

Secret Diary Of PorterGirl – The Making Of The Book Trailer

Many thanks to Lucy of Secret Diary Of  Porter Girl for her wonderful guest post. Please do check out Lucy’s blog and her book.

Kevin

Since when did book trailers become a thing? I had not come across them until the release date of my book, Secret Diary Of PorterGirl, loomed ever nearer and people started making mutterings about one. I had previously dipped my toe into the world of moving pictures by making short sketches for the blog with my friend, actor Paul Butterworth. It wasn’t a process I particularly enjoyed, if I’m honest – especially if I was required to be on camera at any time.

But needs must and I gathered together my most trusted and experienced colleagues to scratch our heads about coming up with something suitable. We have previously made numerous music videos and the like, but this was unfamiliar territory. I would be surprised if some of the team had even read a book, you know. However, surrounding myself with the geniuses behind the shadowy and enigmatic Cambridge Underground Orchestra surely had to produce some kind of result. At the very least, the music would be epic.

I am no actress and in truth I would be more comfortable amidst a pit of rancid vipers than I am in front of a camera. But there seemed no avoiding it. The solution? To ensure I had as little screen time as I could get away with and leave all the heavy lifting to the man we know and love as Head Porter, Paul Butterworth. The added bonus was that his son Josh is a film student at Manchester Met Film School and could easily be bullied and bribed into helping us out. Add to the mix an attention-seeking musician or two, a nine year old lighting director and a bit of cross-dressing and all of a sudden we had a cast and crew.

Finding a set was thankfully no problem at all, thanks to the fabulous Templar Antiquities who are happily situated right across the road from our studio. Stuffed to the rafters with period furniture and fittings (not to mention some cool weapons and armour!) we had no problem recreating scenes from Old College past and present. The only down side to this location (if you can indeed call it a downside) is that the dashing American proprietor has an endless supply of very fine wine on site and this did eventually hamper proceedings somewhat. Particularly towards the end of the shoot, when a break-away group of renegade technical assistants (and maybe the Producer. Ahem) set up a small rave back in the studio. Still, there is a lot to be said for drinking fine wine from pewter goblets.

Paul was, as ever, the consummate professional throughout and lived and breathed the part of Head Porter from the moment he put on his bowler hat. In fact, the scene where he is giving our heroine a stern talking to was actually so very uncomfortable for me – such was the realism – that I vowed there and then to only write ‘nice’ scenes between them in future!

There was no avoiding me taking up the role of Deputy Head Porter, but you can also see me acting my socks off as a monk, along with the beautiful lady-friend of the Antiques Shop Owner. We had to be shot from behind, of course, as we look far too feminine from the front to be mediaeval monks. At least I would hope so. Nevertheless, I still see this as my defining moment on screen.

The now-iconic PorterGirl Theme was performed by the aforementioned Cambridge Underground Orchestra and is soon to be available on iTunes. It adds a certain gravitas to the whole production and I rather fear we would be quite lost without it.

I feel that the trailer is very much in keeping with the PorterGirl genre – a combination of expertise, raw talent and wine resulting in something that is just a little bit different to anything else, yet somehow comfortingly familiar. Now, as it is certain that there will be another book, it is also safe to assume that another book trailer will need to be tackled at some point.

So what have we learned from this endeavour?

Musicians are fun yet woefully inefficient crew members. Keep them away from the wine until the final scene.

Professional acting skills are worth their weight in gold.

We really need to find another Deputy Head Porter…

Links:

Book Trailer https://videos.files.wordpress.com/OXtxuKON/pg-trailor-1280x720_dvd.mp4

https://portergirl.wordpress.com/

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-Diary-PorterGirl-Everyday-Adventures/dp/1504944437

http://www.spotlight.com/3812-7830-2467

https://www.facebook.com/paulbutterworthactor/

http://m.imbd.com/name/nm0125348

@proactorpaul

The Lost Muse

I have dreamed poetry’s sound.

Something quite profound.

But when I awake

the muse does me forsake.

In the labyrinth of my brain

no doubt the words remain

But I have mislaid the golden thread

that ran through my sleeping head.

Sometimes I get them down

while the world sleeps all around.

But oft they float away

lost in the light of day.