There was a young lady called Clare who liked to dance on the stair. One day she did slip, and fractured her hip, so now she dances on chairs.
Clare
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Tag Archives: funny stuff
The Bliss of Solitude
I have just been sitting on my sofa listening to the rain falling. It is a soothing sound and provides a welcome change from the noise of the television which signified the presence of my mum and her partner. It goes without saying that it was wonderful to have my mum stay with me for a week. We ate out often and had a wonderful time including a visit to an historic palace. However the sound of the television and the presence of my mum and her partner made it difficult for me to concentrate on my writing. I require solitude and the absence of external distractions such as music while writing and this has been largely lacking for the past week. My two bed room flat is spacious but it is amazing how sound travels. The answer is obvious. I need to win the lottery, buy a large house in the country and retire to my study in the west wing when guests are present and I need to write. I don’t play the lottery so this may be a little difficult so, dear readers please send donations, however large to K Morris, PO box 252, the Bahamas! I can hear pens scratching already as you all rush to right out cheques for significant sums. I’m off now to check out mantions in England’s green and pleasant land. Kevin
Who Killed Cock Robin (humour)
Below is my rewrite of the traditional English nursery rhyme, “Who Killed Cock Robin” which is written firmly with my tongue in my cheek. I did say (only yesterday) that I wouldn’t be blogging during the visit of my mum and her partner, however as they are currently ensconced watching television I think that I may safely allow myself a few minutes for blogging!
Who Killed Cock Robin Rewrite
“So, constable who killed cock robin?”
“Well sir Jack Sparow claims to have done it with his bow and arrow”.
“Do we have any independent witnesses to the murder because we wouldn’t want some clever defence lawyer to claim we beat a confession out of Jack Sparow?”
“Well sir Guy the fly claims to have seen Cock Robin Die with his little eye”.
“But Guy the fly was seen by Mike the pike buzzing around the picknick tables, near the lake and that is miles from where Cock Robin died so Guy can’t possibly
have seen him die”.
“Well sir Bob the dog says that he saw Matt the cat viciously assault Cock Robin and leave him dying in the long grass by the bird table”.
“But Matt the cat was observed chasing Nat the rat by Len the Hen at the time when Cock Robin was murdered. It can’t be Matt. Besides Bob hates Matt the
cat ever since he stole his owner’s hat.”
“OK sir I’ve just received a tip-off from Blair the bear who swares that he saw Clare the hare strangle cock robin with her hair. I’m off to interview Blair
the bear”.
“OK constable you go right there and interview Blair the bear”.
I Am Taking A Break And I May Be Some Time!
I shall be taking a break from blogging for a week or so while my mum and her partner visit my sprawling estate in the country. Err I mean my flat in Crystal Palace (the estate was wishful thinking)! I must go now due to the need to brief the servants on the preparations for tonight’s banquet. See you all in a week or so. Kevin
I have a problem (sorry challenge)!
Yesterday I attended a course on CV writing. At one point the trainer refered to the problems one faces when composing or amending a CV. I was struck by the refreshing way in which she acknowledge that problems actually exist here in the real world. There is a deplorable tendency particularly among management types to come out with statements along the lines of
“There are no problems, only solutions” or
“There are no problems only challenges”.
On communicating my pleasure to the trainer regarding her acknowledgement that problems as opposed to challenges actualy exist she related the following humorous true story.
In marketing there are supposed to be no problems only situations. A group of salesmen where attending a training course when one of them refered to the problems he was experiencing in his work. His colleagues rebuked him saying that there are no problems only situations. He responded that
“Well I am facing so many situations it is turning into a problem”!
I would love to meet that man and shake him by the hand. With one brilliant stroke he cut through the Gordian knot of management speak and told, god help us the plain unvarnished truth. Would that there where many more men and women of his ilk. But then again the rubbish spouted by management types does provide endless hours of amusement to we mere mortals!
It Must Be True
It must be true, it’s here in black and white, celebrity raped by martian in the middle of the night.
It must be true, paedophiles are everywhere, innuendo and suspicion fill the air.
It must be true, immigrants are stealing are jobs, I read it in that organ of truth, The Daily Slob.
Look at that couple on reality TV, he watched while his girlfriend had sex with is best friend’s wife, but what has that got to do with my life?!
Mind the Gap
Every working day (in my case Monday-Friday) I take both the train and London underground to get into the office. During my travels I hear a number of anouncements advising travellers to mind the gap between the platform and other important matters. Having a quirky sense of humour I can not help but think up alternatives to these anouncements some of which I have given below. First is the correct announcement followed by my alternative rendering:
Original Anouncement – mind the gap.
My version – mind the gap for the gap can not mind you.
Original announcement – Smoking is prohibited Anywhere on this station
My version – smoking is positively encouraged anywhere on this station
Original announcement – Please do not leave unattended articles on this station. Unattended items will be removed and may be destroyed.
My version – Please leave unattended articles on this station. Unattended items may be removed and distributed to random strangers.
Tweet Tweet
While browsing the Telegraph’s website earlier today I came across the following article, by Celia Walden which resonated with me, http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/twitter/9831941/My-husbands-cheating-on-me-with-three-million-people.html. Walden argues that Twitter is about forsaking the present moment in order to brag about it later. For example the author points to the craze which is, apparently prevalent in America where people tweet pictures of their meals rather than sitting down and simply enjoying them! As I’ve remarked before technology is wonderful. It has, however lead some to be enslaved by the technology rather than allowing it to act as their servant.
I’m off now to make a cup of hot chocolate. Please watch out for the photograph of the steaming mug on Twitter. If you are lucky I may even include a full length video of yours truly drinking it. I’m sure you can hardly wait …!
Kevin
The Politician
“Here richly, with ridiculous display, the politician’s corpse was laid away. While all of his acquaintance sneered and slanged, I wept: for I had longed to see him hanged.” Hilaire Belloc.
Can someone pass the fountain pen please?
One of my new year’s resolutions was to review books which I’ve purchased in the Amazon Kindle store. Yesterday I received an e-mail from Amazon inviting me to review a book I’d downloaded. Just as I was about to dip my quil pen in the brass ink well which stands in pride of place on my oak desk (well put fingers to keyboard actually but quil pens sound much better)! I noticed that the book which I was being invited to review was my very own work, Samantha! Now how many stars should I provide my own book? And what kind of review should I leave? Answers please on a postcard written with your very own quil pens or, failing that a fountain pen will do! This will, of course be one book which I won’t be reviewing!
If anyone is wondering why I downloaded my own book the answer is a simple one – I wished to have my own copy on my Kindle.
I’m off now to buy blotting paper and fresh ink.
Kevin
K Morris - Poet 