Tag Archives: commedy

An Incident At The Playhouse

“It all got a bit out of hand didn’t it sir?” the sergeant said.

“Yes, I admit it. What with everyone shouting “get him off” and the booing I just couldn’t help myself” the man said.

“But a man in your position should have known better sir. I mean you are not unfamiliar, pardon me for saying so, with people exhibiting this kind of behaviour. You should have controlled yourself. There really is no excuse for what happened this evening is there sir?” the sergeant said.

“But everyone else was doing it. I saw eggs, rotten tomatos and bananas being thrown at the stage”.

“Yes sir. We have examined the CCTV and spoken to witnesses who all confirm that things got out of hand but there is, as I said no excuse for your behaviour is there sir?”

“I just couldn’t help myself. I got carried away” the man replied.

“So you admit shouting, “You don’t think I’m funny. How’s this for a laugh? See who’s laughing now” as you sprayed red paint, using a high pressure spray gun, indiscriminately around the playhouse?”

“Look sergeant. I am only human. A comedian can only take so much!”

Chris Mccausland The UK’s Only Professional Blind Commedian

The August/September issue of RNIB’s Vision Magazine contains an interview with the UK’s only professional blind comedian, Chris Mccausland (http://dl.groovygecko.net/anon.groovy/clients/rnib/podcast/vision-aug-sept-14.mp3). Chris is perhaps best known for advertising Barclays talking ATM machine which is designed to help visually impaired people withdraw cash independently.

As a blind person I can relate to Chris when he says that he doesn’t wish his comedy to centre on his blindness because visual impairment is only a part of his character.

I would be a rich man if I had a penny for every time I had to smile, through gritted teeth at a joke entailing blindness. Don’t get me wrong, many jokes about blindness are funny but when, as a blind person you have heard the one about the blind man who was swinging a guide dog round his head in the supermarket for the hundredth time you just switch off because it is, quite frankly no longer funny!

(Much against my better judgement I will end with the joke refered to above:

A blind man goes into a supermarket and starts to swing his guide dog around by it’s lead.

“What are you doing?” demands the manager.

The blind man replies “I’m just looking around”. Groan, groan!).

Bridget Jones and David Jason under the covers

I am a fan of David Jason in his role as Delboy in the ITV sitcom Only Fools and Horses. I was therefore amused to learn that 40 pages of his autobiography have been accidentally printed in Helen Fielding’s new Bridget Jones book, Mad About The Boy. I must confess to never having read The Diary Of Bridget Jones but this story made me chuckle, http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/10/10/bridget-jones-printing-error-david-jason_n_4077784.html

Prime Minister’s Questions

The Leader of the Opposition

“Can the Prime Minister tell the House “how much is that doggy in the window?””

The Prime Minister

“The one with the waggerly tail?”

The Leader of the Opposition

“The Prime Minister knows full well which specific canine I am referring to”.

The Prime Minister

“my civil servants have made extensive enquiries and I am advised that, that doggy is not, in fact for sale. I do, however understand from my right honourable friend, the Foreign Secretary that “In Rangoon the heat at noon is just what the natives shun, but mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid day, out in the mid day, out in the mid day sun””.

The Leader of the Opposition

“I have a little cat and I’m very fond of that but I’d rather have a bow, wow wow”.

The Prime Minister

“Perhaps the Leader of the Opposition could put  a doggy on his Christmas list, who knows what Santa might bring him. If the party opposite had handled the public finances more wisely when they where in office then more men and women would be able to afford to own a bow wow” (The Commons dissolves into laughter and Prime Minister’s Questions is suspended).

Mind the Gap

Every working day (in my case Monday-Friday) I take both the train and London underground to get into the office. During my travels I hear a number of anouncements advising travellers to mind the gap between the platform and other important matters. Having a quirky sense of humour I can not help but think up alternatives to these anouncements some of which I have given below. First is the correct announcement followed by my alternative rendering:

 

Original Anouncement – mind the gap.

My version – mind the gap for the gap can not mind you.

 

Original announcement – Smoking is prohibited Anywhere on this station

My version – smoking is positively encouraged anywhere on this station

 

Original announcement – Please do not leave unattended articles on this station. Unattended items will be removed and may be destroyed.

My version – Please leave unattended articles on this station. Unattended items may be removed and distributed to random strangers.

 

 

Into Temptation

“You only live once” the girl said.

“Indeed we do” her companion replied smiling.

Should he allow this beautiful young lady to do something so intimate and potentially fraught with danger? If things went as he (and she) hoped they would then mutual satisfaction would be the result. A sense of fulfilment would flood his being and the girl would smile with delight at having made another man happy. The man would boast to his jealous friends about the wonders of this talented girl. They would, in return seek to avail themselves of the lady’s services. Even were he to allow the girl to perform this most private and embarrassing of services for him he wasn’t sure whether he could, on second thoughts  confide in even his most trusted friends. Even if he withheld the shocking secret from his dearest friends they would, undoubtedly notice something different about him which would give the game away. The smug smile on his face would act as a clue that he had given into that urge which oft afflicts men of a certain age and to compound the offence that he had done so with a girl young enough to be his daughter. Would allowing a lady of more mature years to minister to his intimate requirements be more acceptable? Perhaps so but the man wasn’t being tempted by a lady of his own age, he was being seduced by a gorgeous 20-year-old into doing something which he new, in his heart of hearts he might well bitterly regret. Never the less the man was tempted. What Could possibly be the harm? They were both adults. No doubt tongues would wag but let people gossip it was after all entirely a matter for himself as to whether he should give into temptation and allow the girl to ever so softly and with the greatest of care … dye his hair